Fog

That’s where I am now.

In a fog.

Tired.

Worn out.

Cold.

The weather, I think, is finally getting to me here on the island.

The cold. The snow. The rain.

I’m in need of a beach and some sunshine. Some color and humidity. Something other than endless roads of grey’s and neutrals.

I’m not quite sure what has brought this slump on…

I upset a friend recently and it’s been heavy on my mind. I don’t like hurting people I care about. Even if it’s unintentional. I’m a soft-hearted person and when I invite people into my life; open myself up and let them in, it’s gut-wrenching to do something that causes them distress. Things are better now and our friendship rings true, but it bothers me, still. I feel like I disappointed someone. And I don’t like that feeling. Ever.

We’re nearing the one year mark of our struggle trying to have a second child. It doesn’t seem like it’s been that long, but it has. April will make it official, if we “make it” until then. One year of failed attempts at growing our family. One year of negative tests, disappointments and tears shed over something that seemed so easy.

I bought Little Man a “Big Brother” shirt when we started this journey…foolishly thinking that it would be as easy as it was the first time.

I had to give it away last week to a friend who just had her fourth child.

Their third, a boy Little Man’s age, is a big brother now. While our son, still isn’t.

And despite not knowing where the problem with conceiving is coming from, I continue to walk in this shadow of failure…that it’s me. That I’m the reason that we haven’t had another child. Somehow, someway, I’ve done something to cause this. I know it’s foolish. And ridiculous. But, those feelings are there…bubbling under the surface.

I just want another baby. I can’t help it.

I do well most days. But at certain points during the month, when the realization roles in once again that we have been unsuccessful, it’s hard to swallow. Especially with new pregnancy announcements popping up right and left.

The “Why Not’s?” and “Why not us/me?” thoughts creep in and I can’t put them away.

I find myself struggling spiritually…wavering in my faith…trying desperately to hold onto the truth that God doesn’t give us anything we can’t handle. 

I know it’s true. But somedays, I wonder.