I Can’t Remember…

…the last time that I laid down to go to bed and managed to get the “necessary” uninterrupted eight hours of sleep.

…the last time I went to the bathroom on my own with no one peeking in on me or standing outside the door asking if I was done. Or asking whether I was “going number one or number two.”

…the last time I sat down at the table (any table) to eat without stopping at some point during the meal to cut up someones food, to feed someone, or to take someone to the bathroom.

…the last time I wore high heels.

…the last time I enjoyed an adult beverage with my husband sans children.

…the last time I enjoyed an adult beverage period.

…what humidity feels like or what the ocean smells like. Yes, we live near the ocean. But our ocean in Alaska smells like fish. It doesn’t smell the same way that our beaches in Florida do.

…the last time that I put myself before someone else.

…the last time I really even felt like myself. I haven’t felt like me for a while and I blame a lot of it on living in Alaska and being so limited in everything. (More on this later…)

…the last time I got dressed up in anything other than jeans to go out.

…the last time my purse was just a purse and not a purse camera diaper suitcase bag…all in one.

…the last time I did anything just for me.

Being a mother is all about sacrificing. Doing without things for the betterment of your family…of your children. Everyone told me that going from one child to two would have its difficulties and I’m finding that to be an understatement. While I wholeheartedly love these little boys, and love everything about being their mama…I miss being able to just be me.

I struggled with finding that balance right after Noah was born, too. Learning to juggle what it means to be a wife and mother while being an individual. Now…I’m juggling the roles of wife, mother to two, preschool mama, business owner, writer and individual. I’m squeezing in as much “me” time as I can get when everyone goes to bed…staying up till midnight some nights just to be alone and enjoy adult television shows (and by “adult” I mean anything that’s not on Disney Junior) and write.

Or to stare at the wall and enjoy the silence. Or redesign my blog. Or just do something…anything that doesn’t involve parenting and mothering and care giving. Just something for me. For only me. Because I want to, not because I need to. Or have to.

I feel guilty sometimes. For getting frustrated and feeling like I deserve and need to be by myself (even though I know it’s normal and necessary for proper brain function). Because I’m grateful. I’m so beyond grateful for these boys and being their mama. For the opportunity to run a business and do what I enjoy while contributing to our family.

But I have to. I have to take the time to just be me. To just be alone. Else I’ll lose myself. And the last time that happened, everyone suffered.

So for now, I’ll keep doing what I’m doing. Being mama and wife and business woman and professional juggler and food cutter upper and bathroom usher and bedtime story reader and tucker-inner.

I’ll choose to forget what I can’t remember and focus on right now.

Because there’s going to come a day when all of these things that I’m doing now will be the “I Can’t Remember’s.