Fog
That’s where I am now.
In a fog.
Tired.
Worn out.
Cold.
The weather, I think, is finally getting to me here on the island.
The cold. The snow. The rain.
I’m in need of a beach and some sunshine. Some color and humidity. Something other than endless roads of grey’s and neutrals.
I’m not quite sure what has brought this slump on…
I upset a friend recently and it’s been heavy on my mind. I don’t like hurting people I care about. Even if it’s unintentional. I’m a soft-hearted person and when I invite people into my life; open myself up and let them in, it’s gut-wrenching to do something that causes them distress. Things are better now and our friendship rings true, but it bothers me, still. I feel like I disappointed someone. And I don’t like that feeling. Ever.
We’re nearing the one year mark of our struggle trying to have a second child. It doesn’t seem like it’s been that long, but it has. April will make it official, if we “make it” until then. One year of failed attempts at growing our family. One year of negative tests, disappointments and tears shed over something that seemed so easy.
I bought Little Man a “Big Brother” shirt when we started this journey…foolishly thinking that it would be as easy as it was the first time.
I had to give it away last week to a friend who just had her fourth child.
Their third, a boy Little Man’s age, is a big brother now. While our son, still isn’t.
And despite not knowing where the problem with conceiving is coming from, I continue to walk in this shadow of failure…that it’s me. That I’m the reason that we haven’t had another child. Somehow, someway, I’ve done something to cause this. I know it’s foolish. And ridiculous. But, those feelings are there…bubbling under the surface.
I just want another baby. I can’t help it.
I do well most days. But at certain points during the month, when the realization roles in once again that we have been unsuccessful, it’s hard to swallow. Especially with new pregnancy announcements popping up right and left.
The “Why Not’s?” and “Why not us/me?” thoughts creep in and I can’t put them away.
I find myself struggling spiritually…wavering in my faith…trying desperately to hold onto the truth that God doesn’t give us anything we can’t handle.
I know it’s true. But somedays, I wonder.
This post breaks my heart, Courtney. I’m sorry. I hope you find some sunshine soon – literally, and otherwise! Love, prayers & hugs.
Thinking of you.
It took 18 months to have our daughter, and it was hard. Hard to stay positive and think all those things you are supposed to think… in its own time, in Gods hands, be grateful for what I do have, be happy for others… Just know your not alone, not in your struggle, in your questioning or your sadness.
I would love to just come over there and give you a great big hug! I know there is nothing that I can say to take the pain and hurt away, but just know that I care about you so much, and I am thinking of you!
♥ Kyna
Courtney – I have been in your shoes!. I know people say that but they don’t *really* understand, but I *really* d0!. I’m a canadian – from Toronto. That means LONG WINTERS. I understand that “greyness” of winters all too well. Feb is an especially hard month to get through as it’s bordering the end of Winter, and you’re hanging out for Spring.
I also *really* understand the slump and exhaustion of not being able to conceive. You see, hubs and I had Eve by simply throwing our underwear in the same wash load, and bang – we were pregnant. Then when she was 2, we decided it was time for another – they were going to be 2 yrs and 10 months part. Well, they’re not. Eve and my second daughter Lilah are 4 yrs apart. We struggled to conceive for almost 14 months.
What was going on?. I was even on Clomid for 3 months and we STILL weren’t pregnant. I convinced myself we were only meant to have 1 child. Then when we WEREN’T thinking about it, and I wasn’t busy charting my temperature, we conceived.
We now have our little Lilah – who is now 2.
What i’m trying to say is, hang in there. Sometimes the best things happen when you’re not expecting them.
xx, Nicole
Winter is a hard season to get through in itself. But going through this, I know, is harder. I’m so sorry you’re struggling. Know that I’m here for you.
Girl the dreary winter days are rough on their own, let alone when you are going through the other stuff. I’m always here for a chat if you need a pick-me-up 🙂
xx
When I have days like that, I have to physically force myself to turn everything over to God and rest in Him. HE will give you the desires of your heart. Love you girl, and I’m praying for you!
Love you, girl. I know it’s hard, but you are an amazing woman. Praying that God will grant your desires and give you gladness in your heart in the in-between time.
I’m so sorry, Courtney. I had no idea you were struggling. I hope you can get some answers and start feeling better.
I wish I could come over today and share a cup of coffee with you. I wish we could sit around a kitchen table while our sons napped or played and just talk quietly about our lives and our struggles. Reading this just made me want to throw my arms around you and hug you. That’s it. No words of encouragement. No “I understand”s, even if I do, to an extent (ESPECIALLY about that Big Brother shirt.) No “Just give it to God” because I know that sometimes, that is harder said than done.
Just a hug. And a shared cup of coffee.