Confessions
…More than once this past week, I reached a point of frustration beyond all others and told my son to, “just leave me alone.”
…And then I watched Courageous
…I walked past someone I know in Walmart and didn’t speak. Intentionally. Because frankly, I just didn’t have anything to say to them.
…I threw a handful of Lego’s across the living room after stepping on them for the one-thousandth time that day. They clattered and clanged and bounced everywhere and I had to pick them up, but in that moment, it felt good to just let that frustration out.
…I hate laundry more than I hate anything else in this entire world (almost). In fact, if I could, I’d buy new clothes everyday just so I didn’t have to wash, dry and fold up clothes.
…I got my new camera in the mail on Friday and have only taken a handful of photos with it. I’m honestly a bit overwhelmed by the newness and the capabilities of it. Things that I didn’t have the power to change or manipulate on my old camera are now at my disposal. And I just don’t feel “able” to figure it out right this minute.
…I’m so beyond over people and their egos. Their “my business is better than your business;” “my blog is more popular than your blog;” “my family is perfect and yours isn’t” garbage is just enough.
…I’m starting to wonder if the reason I’m not pregnant yet and the reason we’re having ZERO luck with having another baby is because I am just not cut out to be a parent to more than one child. Bad days with Little Man (and bad weeks, like this past week was) leave me feeling drained, unaccomplished and like a complete letdown as a parent. Could I really handle two children?
…I have a hard time finding inspiration to take new pictures. I love my 52 Faces Challenge because it’s sole intent is to photograph Little Man. But the ordinary, everyday things that some people just make look so beautiful? I just don’t feel confident in photographing those things. Because frankly, I find it hard to believe that what we have going on here in our house is that interesting.
…My best friend and her family are on a 20-something day vacation in California. They took their little girl (Little Man’s BFF) to Disneyland for the first time. I’m more jealous of the fact that they got to leave this island than the fact that they are at Disney. Because truthfully, I just want to go to Target and eat Olive Garden.
…Island Fever? Yep. Got it.
…Weeks like last week make me somewhat regret the fact that we don’t live closer to family and that I don’t have anyone to really help with Little Man. I’d have given almost anything last week to have had my mom or the husband’s mom around to watch Noah for a few hours. Just so I could come home, sit on the couch and enjoy the complete silence.
…I’m absolutely loving two guilty pleasure TV shows right now: Revenge and Gossip Girl (thanks to Kathryn!). If Blair and Chuck don’t end up together and SOON, I’m going to throw the remote at my TV. And don’t even get me started on the fake Amanda Clark and the fact that she finally left the show.
…I bought The Resolution for Women
…I slept till at least 10:00 every day last week, till 11:00 Saturday and 12:00 on Sunday. And not once did I feel guilty. Not once did I think that maybe I should get up and do something productive. Because for once I just didn’t care.
…I let Little Man eat Cheetos for breakfast one day last week. And drink half of my Dr. Pepper. Just because I didn’t feel like standing in the kitchen to debate “milk or no milk?” and “Cookie Crisp or Cinnamon Toast Crunch?” for 30 minutes. So Cheetos it was. (Don’t throw rocks at me…things like that really don’t happen in our house but once in a blue moon.)
…I washed three loads of clothes one day last week, and put every load in the dryer together just so I didn’t have to take the one that was already in there out and fold it.
What’s on your mind? Have something you need to confess?
Linking up with Shell @ Things I Can’t Say for Wednesday’s Pour Your Heart Out.
I have been where you are, and will give you some older and wiser advice. Cut yourself some serious slack. Being a mother is the hardest thing that I have ever done. Most days were about survival and not about being a good mother. I can assure you that you will have “enough” when it is time for you to have another child. They are not going to remember the days when you lost it, but they will remember that you loved them and did the best that you could. Have you considered sending Noah to preschool for a few hours a few times a week? Mine all went at 2 and it was beneficial for all of us.
We looked into preschool here at our CDC on base but it’s OUTRAGEOUS how expensive it is (think several hundred dollars a month) and the reviews I received from people who had been there and done that weren’t that impressive. I have a friend looking to open a home daycare in the coming months and I’m thinking of sending hime 2 days a week just for the social interaction and the sanity saving free time. Thank you so much for your sweet encouragement! 🙂 Your comment really made me feel better!
I am sorry you’re going through a rough patch. I hope it all begins to ease soon. I know I could have written several of these myself. ((hugs))
Thank you, Ashley!! It’s been a much better week!
You are awesome. And overworked. And tired. And you need a break. I can tell! 🙂
Ahhh – where to begin? Don’t feel guilty about ANY of these things. Seriously. We’ve *all* been there. You are not a bad Mom. And in no way is your parenting the reason you’re not getting pregnant. So get THAT out of your head right now.
You just need a break. You need someone close to come to you and say “Let me take Noah. You, just go out. Have a coffee. Get your hair done. Go on a date. Read a book. Do something for YOU!”. And yet, it is so hard for that to happen when family isn’t close – I get it.
I really hope you find a chance to refuel soon. You deserve it. Hugs!!
Thank you my love for your encouragement! Your comments always make me feel better! I definitely need a break. Soon. The husband and I have been having some deep conversations about that and some things are about to change. 🙂 I. am. excited. Hope you’re feeling good this week!
Would it be too much for me to tell you that I love you for writing this? Well, too bad. I have had those weeks (Cheetos and all) and am so glad that you are just as flawed as the rest of us. It gives me hope.
Now go take some pictures of your Little Man because what you have going on over there IS interesting.
LOL No at all! I am most definitely flawed…no where near shiny and perfect. 🙂 Hope you are having a wonderful week and thank you so much for your sweet encouragement!
yep…last week I actually said damn you to my Pule. Boy did I have some guilt after that, but I had reached my limit too. I hear ya.
We all reach that “boiling point” sometimes. This week has been much better around here. Hope it has been for you, too!
Sorry it was a rough week.. those are no fun (thanks Captain Obvious). I hope this week is better!
Thank you, Georgia! This week has definitely been better!
Hugs, Courtney. You are loved with an Almighty Love by the One who is Love.
Thank you so much, Voni!!
Oh, Courtney, I just want to say *hugs* . . . I know exactly how you feel, and there is NO shame in your challenges and your reactions to them! <3 Some days, I really feel as if I am the worst parent in the world, and then I look at my to-do list after bedtime and rush over to Natural Parent's Network, log in as an admin, and start typing a natural, responsible parenting post, or a natural learning post, thanking "I am such a hypocrite"
The thing is is that our children remember our reactions, our responses to our daily failures more than the failures themselves. So, contrition (real, honest contrition) and compassion (with ourselves and our children – as much as possible) pass over and mollify the awfulness of our mistakes – every time. And lots of the things we see as failures, they see as totally awesome. I mean, cheetos for breakfast? How much did your little man love that!? Not a failure. Just a normal, needed occurrence. You're a person, too.
Just wanted to say – *hugs* and hang in there! When you feel like you've had a total mommy-fail moment, you can rest assured that I have probably felt the very same way at some point in the last hour 😉 Thinking of you!
The first part of this comment cracked me up. I feel the same way sometimes…like I’m faking it everywhere else. I think that’s why I feel such a relief when I write posts like this and lay it all out on the table. Thank you for your encouragement! Always very, very much appreciated!
Hoping you have a better week! I bought The Women’s Resolution and it came in Friday 🙂 I’m dying to open it up be we are going back to Cali next week so I figured I should get back and get settled before diving in. I want to absorb it all! I love how real you keep your site. You’re not alone in questioning your parenting and having those little breakdowns. I’m having to check myself a lot lately since Hubby deployed again. Our girl has really been acting out and it’s been hard to keep a level head. You WILL get through this 🙂 Sounds like you need a good day “off” from motherhood to pamper yourself and recharge.
Thank you, Connie!! Have you had a chance to start on the Women’s Resolution yet? I’m into the second part, but I’m taking this book really, really slow. I don’t want to rush through it and miss something, kwim? Hope you had/are having a wonderful time in Cali!
Oh my gosh I love that you wrote this. I feel like we are living the same life just on different islands 🙂 Hang in there.
Thanks girl! I’m hanging (by a thread some days, but hanging nonetheless!). When are you guys heading back stateside?