When Parent’s Fail their Children
Growing up, I didn’t get in a whole lot of trouble. I had my moments (like all kids), but for the most part I tried to mind my P’s and Q’s. I didn’t like punishment. I didn’t like disappointing my parents.
So, I did whatever I had to to stay out of trouble.
I remember, in those rare moments when the punishment would fall on me, that my parents always said that what was about to happen hurt them more than it ever would me.
I always thought that was ridiculous. How could punishing me hurt them? Especially when our punishments growing up came in the form of a belt on our backside.
Now that Little Man is three and moderate temper tantrums seem to be invading our house more frequently, I am beginning to understand exactly what it was my parents meant when they used to say that.
I’m sure for different parents it means different things, but for me, it’s the realization that I’ve done something or have failed to do something right where my child is concerned.
I’ve acted our or said something I shouldn’t have said, which resulted in him saying it…
I’ve let him get away with something one too many times because I was “too busy” or too otherwise occupied to correct inappropriate behavior…
I’ve loved him too much (if there is a such thing) and been too afraid to upset him, that I’ve let him get away with things he shouldn’t…
For the most part, I consider myself to be a really good parent. Not the best, but definitely not the worst either.
I want my son to have things that I didn’t have growing up. I want him to experience life and all that it has to offer in ways that others may not have the chance to. I want to give my son the world and make everything okay for him forever.
But…
if by doing that and wanting that for him, I fail to discipline him for bad behavior, let him get away with things “just because he’s three” or fill his every want just to avoid a conflict, then am I really doing him any favors?
I never want my son to be “that kid.”
The one whose parents handed him life on a silver platter and spoon fed him everything he wanted.
I want him to learn to work for things he wants and earn his privileges. I want him to get dirty and learn that life isn’t easy and things don’t come for free. I never want him to be the kind of person who just takes the easy way out instead of learning to stand on his own two feet and overcome adversity.
I know he’s only three, and we aren’t quite to the point of worrying about some of these things…
But doesn’t the road start here? Doesn’t the personality they develop as a child transfer over to their lives as young adults and teenagers?
We’ve had to step up the discipline in our house. Time outs don’t cut it around here. They don’t do any good and Little Man isn’t phased by a few minutes in the corner. We’ve resulted to taking away toys and spankings to get the point across. Bless his tiny little heart, Little Man is doubly “blessed” by having inherited both his mommy and his daddy’s sense of stubbornness. And both mommy and daddy tend to lack in the area of patience some days. So it’s been…an adventure, to say the least.
But despite how much it hurts me to punish him and take away his toys or send him to his room…
I know that I’m doing the right thing for my son.
And one day, many years from now when he has children of his own, he’ll understand what I mean when I say
It hurts me much more than it ever hurts you…
What methods of discipline do you find work best in your house? How do you handle temper tantrums?
I’ve been meaning to announce the winner of the Amy Cornwell Jewelry Giveaway, but haven’t gotten to choosing one! Congrats to Sarah @ NapTime MomTog! She’ll win a $50 Gift Certificate to use toward whatever you want from Amy’s shop. Email me within the next 24 hours to claim your prize!
Also linking this post up with Just. Be. Enough for Be Enough Me Monday, Just Write @ Extraordinary Ordinary and Pour Your Heart Our with Shell @ Things I Can’t Say this week.
This is so very important, Courtney. And yes, to all of it! I feel the same things about behaviors and disciplining- I own my part in it and kick myself for it.
I have to add in the requisite, we’re all doing the best we can, yes?}
Excellent topic and post, friend!
I remember once when we walked past the toddler Sunday School room, and happened to see our daughter take away a toy from another child at just that moment. We poked our heads in the door and calmly told her she could not do that because she had to share, and that she needed to give the toy back, which she did. The Sunday School teacher said, “Oh, she’s way too young to learn about sharing!” BROTHER! So when? When she loses all her friends? Gets arrested for stealing? Stand strong, my friend! Don’t be afraid to discipline.
My theory is that punishment causes pain, and more than anything, we don’t like to see our children in pain. But we also want to be kind enough give the “immunization” so they don’t get the “real disease.”
At any rate, Courtney don’t go down the road of taking the blame for your kids’ behavior. Responsibility for it, yes. (Especially with a toddler) Blame, no. You may have to correct your parenting mistakes (aren’t we human, after all?), but even at three, he is making decisions about his own behavior.
Also, remember that discipline doesn not equal punishment! Punishment in the context of overall discipline/instruction and love (heavy on the love) is going to make him a stronger human being.
Blessings,
Voni
I have to stop myself from giving excuses for my children when I know they just need to take accountability. That is the best gift I can give them, even though I’d rather just enjoy the FUN parts of parenting!
I have my moments too, especially when my daughter tells me that all I do is yell. I know that I do more than yell, but what she hears is the yelling instead of the nurturing.
It’s difficult. I know exactly haw you feel. When Abbey displays rudeness or her little temper or gives me sass, or gets upset over something, it’s as if i am looking in a freakin mirror. She is SO much like me. I’ve also taught her some not so nice habits, like growling under my breath, and yelling.
I do find that living as peacefully as possible with children is the way to go – I strive to parent with peace and compassion, and allow for natural consequences, and for Abbey to form her own moral compass. A moral compass formed by a child is much sturdier than one enforced by parental punishments and expectations. But sometimes I do have to remind her who is “the boss” or let her know that she is being rude, or too loud, or that she needs to stop whining, etc. I firm voice has it’s place.
I would strongly suggest that you visit http://www.naturalparentsnetwork.com and have a look around as you contemplate these questions you’re having, Courtney! The group of men and women who contribute to NPN are awesome, and all of us contributors (authors, editors, and mentors) are on a journey of our own – so it’s a great community for sharing experiences and sharing strengths/overcoming weaknesses in our parenting and life journeys!
Balance is important, and forgiveness is important. For MOM. Forgive yourself for your mistakes. We’re not going to be perfect! 🙂 Parent with love and guidance, and your sweet boy will be fine! (and by the way, I constantly feel like Abbey is “that kid” as you say! I have to remind myself that all things develop in their own time with children and that, well, impulse control is just still in progress with Abs!)
<3 hugs! Great post!
Beau is 4 and we are facing similar things at home. I’ve known those kids who have never known any sort of discipline and I don’t want my little boy to become like that. So while disciplining is hard (on the mind, on the heart, and sometimes on the schedule) I keep reminding myself it’s all about helping him in the long run. And I am learning that so often I really should discipline myself because his acting out (sometimes, not always) is rooted in my impatience in the moment…kind of hard to explain.
I am soooooo feeling this exact same way right now Courtney, and Ellie is only 2! I am scared for her to hit 3 because so many people tell me 3 is worse! It’s so much easier to avoid disciplining and just give in because it quiets her down so fast (especially in public!). But every time I do that, I am kicking myself because I DO NOT want that spoiled kid! It is so hard to be stern sometimes though…so hard to watch them cry…
I wonder too about what the right age is to get kids to understand that certain behaviors are not ok. I think you’re right that this is how parents raise irresponsible children–b/c they were too afraid to say no or just let it get out of hand early.
I soooo know what you mean. I am having this problem with Dustyn right now. I let him get away with a lot because I am so busy doing photography stuff or blog stuff. When I do punish him I get so mad and feel like I am not doing him any favors either. When we did something wrong I got spanked with a belt too. I am just having a hard time being consistent and I know I need to be.
I know how you feel! We’ve been down this road a few times and it is never easy. As you said, continuity is key. Noah is a great little boy and he’s lucky to have you guys as parents! He’s going to be an incredible young man!