Thinking of saying goodbye…

To the idea of doing photography professionally.

I love taking pictures more than anything. I love being a part of peoples lives…especially the ones that they want to remember the most. The weddings and the newborn shots and the maternity pictures. But I think I’m going to give it all up. It’s been on my mind a lot the past few days. As badly as I want it, and in love with the idea as I am, and as passionate as I am about what I do…I just don’t think that it’s going to ever happen.

Maybe one day, far down the road when things are different. But not now.

I love my husband. I do. But I don’t feel like he is supportive of this idea…emotionally or willing to try financially.The past three days have proved that, and I think that’s where this choice is coming from. He’s made the statement several times that I’m not bringing in any income and he can’t justify spending money on a hobby. And that hurts. That hurts so bad. Because I’m trying as hard as I can. I want more than anything to do this. Both for my own personal satisfaction and for the financial gain of our little family. And I can’t even talk him into spending $100 on a camera…$100 that I will be getting back in a few weeks from the deposit for a wedding I was supposed to shoot in March. I can’t get him to let me pay to set up a shop to try to sell some of my prints online. Everything is a hassle it seems. All of the things that I am trying to work for, trying to accomplish, trying to achieve seem like a burden. And I don’t want that.

So I’m going to hang it up. I’ll continue to take pictures. There is no way that I could stop. I’ll continue to blog about photos I take, and if someone asks me to take some pictures, I will. Do I know that I will keep being able to justify having people pay me for them? I don’t know. That’s part of the reason I was pushing for a new camera. Because I felt like I would be justified to charge more if I was working with better equipment. What I have now is not professional equipment. Not for shooting people. Not for portraiture. But I can’t justify charging someone $1000 for a wedding when I’m not carrying the equipment to do it with.

I’ve cried a lot tonight at the realization. I think part of me has known this was coming for several months. But it’s still painful to accept. This is really one of the first dreams that I’ve had for myself that I thought was in my reach. One that I thought that I would accomplish. Something that I really thought i would succeed in. But right now is not the time. It’s not going to happen for me right now. And it’s going to take me some time to get over it.

I am hoping that God has some bigger plans…or atleast plans that make me feel better. LOL Because right now I’m feeling pretty crappy and I’m feeling very resentful of my husband and his attitude on this. And I don’t like that. I love that man more than anything and I always, always support him in his choices. And for the first time since we’ve gotten married, I feel like that support isn’t being reciprocated.

That’s all for tonight. I wasn’t going to write anything, but I had to clear my head. And now it’s midnight. Guess I didn’t make to bed early like I thought I would.