When Joy comes Reluctantly
I’d like to be overwhelmingly excited for friends and acquaintances who announce their pregnancy. Whether it’s their first or fifth, becoming a parent is a beautiful, wonderful, God-given miracle. It’s something to be celebrated and a moment to be remembered and cherished for years and years and years to come.
But, during that celebration…during the excitement and joy and picture taking, there is another series of emotions. A string of feelings felt only by a select few. Emotions hidden behind forced smiles and only felt in the deepest areas of a person’s heart. Often only embraced and acknowledged in the quiet hours of loneliness when no one is around to hear or see the tears that are shed.
Jealousy.
Envy.
Maybe even a little resentment.
Curiosity and comparison…
Why them and not me? What did they do different?
For a person who is struggling to get pregnant, the birth of a friend or relatives baby is a joyful and exciting and all of the things that it should be.
But it’s also painful.
In the last six months alone I’ve seen no less than 50 (yes, you read that right. Five-Oh) friends/acquaintances announce their pregnancies on Facebook. Blog friends, family friends, college classmates and sorority sisters…over and over and over again. While I put on a happy front and genuinely express my excitement for them at the new journey they are on, each and every announcement sucks a little bit more life out of me.
And I’ve only been at this trying to conceive thing for right at six months. (I don’t know how people who have been at it for YEARS do this.)
I’ve heard all of the responses to my feelings…
“God has a plan/purpose/time for everything…”
“Enjoy the one you have…”
“Things get that much crazier when you have more than one, so enjoy your down time…”
And let me tell you, NONE of those things make it any easier to swallow. None of those statements make anyone who is aching for a baby feel any better when she see’s all of her friends having kids and getting pregnant. None of those supposedly “uplifting” words of encouragement take away the desire to have a child.
Not being able to get pregnant right away is a tough pill for any woman to swallow.
Our husband’s don’t fully understand it; and even mine has offered up the “just be patient…it will happen” stanza a few times. Child bearing is supposed to be something that comes easily and naturally. And when it doesn’t, we start to question every thing (or at least I do).
I’m questioning my abilities as a mother.
Am I not a good enough mom to the child I have? Is that why God isn’t giving me another?
I’m questioning my faith.
Do I just not have enough faith? Am I not leaning on God enough? Depending on and relying on his timing?
I’m questioning my personal health and well being.
Did I do something wrong? Is it something I did that’s causing me NOT to get pregnant?
And I feel guilty for that pang of jealousy and envy I feel when I see another friend announce their good news to the world. I’m supposed to be happy for them; eager to celebrate the new life they will be bringing into the world. For their happiness is supposed to bring me happiness, and their joy is supposed to make me joyful.
And I am.
Reluctantly.
For those of you who have experienced similar situations and emotions, what got you through? How did you pass the time from month to month and overcome the reluctant joy for your pregnant friends?
Edited to Add: I apologize to anyone struggling with infertility if this post offended you. It was brought to my attention that my reference to not being able to get pregnant right away and using terms such as #infertility in my twitter updates about this post might be offensive to some who have been trying to conceive for extended periods of time. If that’s the case and I did offend you, please accept my sincerest apologies. That was in no way my intent. I’m simply stating that right now, for me personally, this is something I struggle with and feel that people who have struggled with infertility can identify with. I’m not calling myself infertile or placing myself into that category.
Veronica’s comment says it all Courtney. I won’t repeat what she said because it’s everything I would have said (sans actually having a second child yet). I don’t know if this season of being content and joyful in the Lord will last but I can tell you it’s a MUCH better place to be in. And as hard as this sounds, I had to realize God is sanctifying us all in different ways. NOT conceiving when I wanted to has tremendously grown my faith and dependence on God. He is a much BIGGER God to me now than He was before infertility. (Which I technically am because we’ve been trying for almost two years). And yet, I have a friend with 3 children under the age of 3 and God is teaching her the same things as me but in a different way. I had to get to a point where I realized my growth in Him is more important than getting what I want when I want it… even though it’s very HARD. And like Veronica said, when people told me stuff like this I wanted to punch them! But it’s true…
Praying that you get a (+) very soon my friend!
Thanks girl. I know how hard this journey has been for you. And I always appreciate reading about your journey and your growing faith in this season of your life. I think the majority of God’s intention for me is to teach me to WAIT and to wait on his timing. Hugs to you and your family. Keeping you guys in my prayers as you embark on the next phase of your journey!!
I can’t imagine what you’re feeling as we just started TTC, but I’ll offer a hug. A recent friend of mine was in a similar position. She went to see her doctor her said that usually when she has a patient come to see her…she doesn’t have to do anything except see them, then they get pregnant. That happened for her too – just seeing someone to say that they would keep an eye on it made all the difference in the world and she was no longer holding all of that herself. I’m rooting for you. HUGS
Thank you, friend. 🙂 Do you know how much I wish you lived closer (actually, I wish I lived closer, but whatever). Saying a prayer for you guys too, and for this new journey that you’re on! Always here to chat!
YEP!
Get it.
Thank you!
I’m sitting here crying as I read this. You’ve just described the last 7 years of my life. After our daughter, we struggled with “secondary infertility” for 7 years. (Yes, 7.) And, during that time, I felt as though I simply endured ALL of the pregnancy announcements (which did seem disproportionately high!) that came along. Yes, I was joyful, and genuinely excited for my friends. But, at the same time, I was sad for me. It is a very strange, and difficult combination of emotions. When one of my best friends announced that she was expecting #4 (3 of whom were conceived and born while we were trying for “just one more”!) I actually started crying. I was truly happy for her, but… And, (this is why she is one of my dearest friends!) she came over and simply put her arm around me, and cried with me. She didn’t *personally* understand my struggle, but she loved me through it. And, she knew that the tears were not from “jealousy.” (They were, but they really weren’t either, you know?) She simply committed to pray for me…Not necessarily that I would have another child (although that was part of it), but that God would give me a supernatural “peace that passes understanding” about the whole situation – whatever the ultimate outcome.
That was my daily…sometimes moment by moment, prayer as I saw pregnant women out and about, or as yet another friend announced that they were expecting… I just kept giving it to the Lord…over and over and over and… 🙂 Peace did come. Yes, I was still sad when I heard the announcements, or saw the ladies at the grocery store…but I truly had to learn to be content with what I had been given. I know, it sounds overly simplistic. And, had someone *told* me that this was what I had to do, I probably would have wanted to haul off and hit them. And, it is simple. But, my friend, it is NOT easy. Not at all easy. It wasn’t the life I had always planned. (Like one of your last posts, I always pictured myself with at least 4.) But, it was the life I had been given. I just had to decide whether or not I truly believed, as I always *said* I did, whether or not God was really sovereign over this too. And, if He was, then, as hard as this unfulfilled desire was to deal with, it was from him, and it was intended for my good. (Exactly how, I may never know.)
And, you know, I finally came to a point where the reality I did have (my daughter) was far better than living in the land of make-believe, what if, and if only….
Your post brought tears to my eyes. Because, I’ve been there. I do understand your struggle. And, I am genuinely sorry that you have to go through it. I think anyone that has been in this position would not wish it on anyone. (Although I do often wish more people understood that it *isn’t* always as easy to get pregnant as some people seem to think it is!) Know that I am praying for you. And, I wish I could hug you, and just sit and cry with you.
Thank you so much for taking the time to share a bit of your story with me. I can’t tell you how much appreciate the understanding and the compassion that I picked up in your post. Especially coming from someone who tried for 7 years, in comparison to my measly 6 months. After I published this post, I was overwhelmed with a sense of peace and contentment…finding new moments of pleasure in enjoying the time I have with my little boy. I’m finding rest and peace in knowing that God does have a plan…even if I don’t understand it yet. Thank you so much, again, for your support!!
We tried for Little Man for over a year (closer to 2 years actually) and I was constantly seeing new people around me get pregnant and, like you, although I really was excited for them, I was crying inside because it wasn’t me. Basically I just leaned on the fact that I knew it would happen in God’s time (that was hard for me) AND I actually had two “real life” friends that were goign through the same process, we were going through it together and that helped, A LOT! Even those these girls wouldn’t have normally been my good friends (and one no longer is because she’s crazy, lol), they were during that period in my life, when I needed them. Nobody understood what I was going through, not my family or the hubby but they did, because they were going through it too. Maybe that’s my piece of advice, befriend someone (bloggy friend or real life) that you know is having the same struggles so you can talk about it…someone who understands exactly what you’re going through.
I am praying that you get your next little miracle soon! oh and I questioned the exact same things you did when we were TTC, I thought I was a bad person and all kinds of stuff…it’s not true! 🙂
I’m not good with patience. At all. When I want something, I want it then…LOL I just don’t like to wait. I have a good feeling that part of this journey is to teach me to WAIT on the timing of God and not depend on my own ideas of WHEN. Thank you for your encouragement, girl. I so appreciate it!
I am sorry you are feeling the way you are about your journey. I think one thing to keep in mind, though, is that five or six months is NOT a long time in the world of getting pregnant, and using words like “can’t get pregnant” and “infertility” could be offensive to those very same people, the ones who have been trying for years and years, that you are trying to relate to. I am not trying to say you can’t feel your feelings, because you should, and heck, I know I’d be thinking those same thoughts in your position, but keep your chin up and don’t give up hope, and don’t label yourself as someone who can’t have another child – because you will, and the timing will be just right.
I appreciate the feedback. However I wasn’t labeling myself as infertile. I’ve built up a community of friends online who struggle with these same emotions and feelings and the tags and keywords were used to target and audience.
In any case, I’m well aware of how long others have tried with no luck at having children, and it’s comments like this one (no offense) that make people like me not want to talk about or share their emotions because they don’t feel like their pain is “good enough” or that they’ve suffered enough. The pain and desire to have another child doesn’t change no matter how long you’ve been trying. It’s not a competition. And if anything I’ve learned to empathize more with women who’ve struggled long term, because I know how hard just this short term battle has been.
Hi! I’ve been reading for a while and remember when you announced you were going to try for baby #2. I was like “whoops! There goes another blog I will read” See, I’ve been trying for 3 years and I know exactly the feeling you are blogging about this week and a few weeks ago. I wrote a blog post called infertility etiquette or something similar a couple of months ago that reminded me of your post a while ago. I agree, I have many of the same questions you do. Why? Why me? What’s wrong? Who’s fault is it? I’ve struggled with what Tricare covers and doesn’t, etc. Hopefully you never have to worry about it. But if you do, now you have my email and trust me. I am filled with all that information. It doesn’t get easier as more people announce pregnancies; I went through a phase where I deleted everyone who announced they got pregnant in a 3 week time. One of them even asked me why I deleted them. I’m sure my “you’re pregnant” response seemed terrible to them. I didn’t apologize though, its part of the process. Just like if you accidentally tell the pharmacist who gives you clomid and says “good luck” to you to f* off, no need to apologize, its jut part of the process. Anyway, I’m sure that seems a little random, but I hope I got my point accross, you are not alone. Millions of ladies are just like you!
I’m glad you decided to stick around, Amanda!! Hopefully I never have to reach the point of involving Tricare, but I will most definitely keep your information handy, in case it ever comes to that. I’m so sorry that you are on this same road and that this is the path that brought us together.
I’m so sorry. I have been where you are. It took 7 years to get our 1st. The wait was excruciating. At times I truly thought I was just broken-in body & spirit. The only thing that got me through it was the love of my husband and good supportive friends. I wish I had spoken more about it at the time. I might have made a difference to someone else going through the
same thing or found more support. It is a brave thing you do, sharing this part of yourself. Good for you. I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you.
Thank you for sharing a bit of your experience and your pain with me. I can not even imagine the struggle waiting 7 years was for you and your family. I’ve found so much support and encouragement from friends (both online and off) since I’ve started talking about this. Hugs to you!
I’m so sorry, Courtney.
I ask myself similar questions about different areas of my life: Why didn’t this job work out? Why did this guy walk away? And I come away with no better understanding of the situation or of anything else, really.
I have no experience with any of this, but I remembered these two posts from Shauna Niequist, whom you may have heard of. She, too, struggled with infertility and a miscarriage, and I thought her words might comfort you in ways others’ words can’t. Here are the links:
http://www.shaunaniequist.com/blog/2011/1/12/enough.html
http://www.shaunaniequist.com/blog/2011/1/18/enough-part-2.html
I also want to say this: I believe God feels your pain, knows your heart. And I pray He gives you the strength to surrender your desires, your plans, at His feet. He is the God of all comfort, and I pray He brings that to you now, in abundance. Let Him make you strong, sweet friend. I’m praying for you and your family.
Thank you so much for these links, Annie! I’ve already referred them to a friend who is going through the same thing. I can’t tell you how much it means that you took the time to find these and share them with me.
Oh girl, this is exactly what I’ve been going through lately. I know of people who are pregnant and I’m happy for them, truly. But at the same time I can’t shake the other feelings I have too. We’ve been trying, with no luck so far, and I feel so defeated. It stings. A lot. I try to keep my head up, but it really is hard. I can’t offer much advice, but I can offer a listening ear or a shoulder for you. I’m going through it too.
Hugs girl. You know I’m always here to talk if you need to vent, cry or just let out some steam. So happy we had our little twitter chat the other night. 🙂