Fears & Worries of Second Time Parenting
We’ve reached the halfway point in this pregnancy. It’s hard to believe that in a mere 20 weeks (give or take a week or two depending on when this baby makes his or her debut) we’ll be meeting and welcoming our second child. Our second child. When did I even get old enough to have a first?
Seeing our sweet baby kick and wiggle on the ultrasound Monday made this pregnancy real. It made all of it real. The fact that in a matter of months I’m going to have not one but two tiny humans under my wing and in my care. That I’m not only going to be responsible for the life, character, and well being of one person, but two.
Aside from that overwhelming realization, I’ve felt the slightest bit of fear start to creep into my life. Fear that I know will subside over time and seem ridiculous as the years pass. But, for now…it’s there nonetheless.
I’m afraid…
…of how Noah is going to handle having another baby around. It’s been just him for almost four years. Me and him all day during the day. Just the two of us and our little routine and habits. He’s my best little buddy and the idea of him feeling that he is less loved or cared for terrifies me. I don’t want him to ever feel like he’s being replaced or that he is any less special that before his brother or sister arrived. I know that as he gets older he’ll understand that there is room for both him and his sibling in my heart, but it’s those beginning weeks and months that have me scared. For him. And for me.
…of not bonding as quickly with my second child as I did with my first. I’ve heard horror stories from mama’s who just didn’t “click” with their second (or third/fourth/fifth…) child as they did with their first. The anticipation this time is the same as it was before and after our long attempts and trials with even having this baby, there’s no reason in the world to think that this baby is wanted/needed/desired.
I worry…
…about a return of PPD and deep onset baby blues. My struggle with PPD was no where near as bad as others; and I don’t pretend that it was. I’ve read graphic and terrifying stories of postpartum depression and I can’t even imagine what some of these mom’s went through. My struggle was bad enough. I lost weight in an unhealthy way, took out anger and sadness on my husband in ways that I shouldn’t have, and generally felt absolutely miserable when I should have been happy and thriving with my new baby. This island during the winter time is prone to bring about depression and despair for even those who have never struggled with depression. As someone who has battled it in the past, the environmental tendencies of where we live have me worried about a relapse.
…about slipping back into the routine of putting everyone and everything before myself. It took me three years to reach the point of doing anything for myself again after Noah was born. I was sad. I was lonely. I felt like my entire reason for existence had disappeared and all that I had left to do was change diapers, fix food and clean my house. I loved being a stay-at-home mom and spending time with just my son. But, I need the gratification and satisfaction that I get from working and running my own business. I worry that having two children will mean that I can’t do that or that I’ll reach a point of having to give up more than I want to.
I fear…
…that I’ll have no clue how to balance being a parent of two children. And being a wife. And running a business. And all of the other things that I am/want to do.
…that I’m going to let someone down. My husband. My son. My other child. My family. That I’m not going to be able to handle it. And that they will all be disappointed.
…that life is going to take a crazy turn in next few months and that I’m not going to be ready for it.
Linking up this post with Shell @ Things I Can’t Say for Pour Your Heart Out.
Bakermama
Thea is a friend and fellow Coastie wife with a crazy talent for baking and decorating beautiful cakes and desserts. She’s the genius and artist behind the Gender Reveal cake we’ll be slicing into at our party on July 14. She’s a certified culinary artist and has baked and created some of the most beautiful works of art I’ve ever seen.
Be sure to check out her website and visit her fan page on Facebook!
Courtney, let me just say – these fears are normal. I think I may have written half a dozen posts about the various things I worried about!
Noah will be fine. Children are really incredible – they’re adaptable, resilient and oh-so-accepting. He will LOVE his new brother/ sister. And at his age, it’d be easy to involve him in the process before the baby is born. Let him pick out the new bedding, a new toy, the baby’s welcome home onesie. When the baby is here, let him help with diaper changes, or getting something for you while you’re nursing. He’ll do so good, and he’s a sweet kid. He won’t think for a second that you love or care any less for him.
I can say this with great certainty because my son has surprised me at every turn with the baby being here. He was not 2 1/2 yet and I didn’t know how much or how little he understood about the new member of the family. He loves his baby brother. (yes there has been some head hitting and some baby-related tantrums in the first month, but they passed)
As for the other valid fears, just make sure you have support. And ask and accept help. You’ll be okay. Believe in that.
(hugs)
Thank you, Alison! You guys seem to be adjusting really well to your growing family. I love popping over and seeing that you’re hanging in there and getting along with the adjustments quite well. 🙂
Courtney, these are perfectly normal feelings!. Yours seem to be coming early!. I will never forget sitting on the couch beside Doug the night before Lulu was born and looking over at him in tears and saying “we’ve really ruined things, haven’t we?”. He looked back at me confused and said “What do you mean, Nic?”. I said “We’ve really ruined our little life haven’t we?. We have an almost 4 yr old, who is perfect in every way, potty trained, about to start kinder and now were adding another child into this mix”……all of a sudden the reality of having another infant hit me hard. In that moment I’m ashamed to admit that I didn’t want to be pregnant and have another child. I was scared and the fear took over big time. Lulu was born the next night and came into this world fast & furious weighing 7 pounds 12 ounces. She was perfection. Eve saw her and was in awe and I knew then that all my fears would be fine. It’s definitely going to be a balancing act, but were mothers and we are the best multi-taskers around!. One day at a time, and it will all be fine :). Don’t be afraid to ask for help and accept any help offered in the beginning when you’re tired.
Thank you, Nicole! I’ve definitely learned about accepting help. I didn’t do too well with that with Noah. Wanted to handle it all, do it all and be it all by myself. Needless to say I ended up completely worn out and exhausted. Won’t be making that mistake this time. 🙂
Maybe that’s what happened with me…I’m the second born…somehow I’m the blacksheep 😀 I will blame it on bonding.
Any child, whether it be the first or fifth is an adjustment and tests the fine art of assimilation and adaptation. You will do brilliantly! Three years from now you’ll look back on this post and grin at yourself for being so deng awesome and not yet fully believing it when you wrote this. 🙂
Thank you!! I remember looking back after a few months of being a mom with our first and wondering what the big deal was. I’m sure that it will be the same this time. ::fingers crossed::
I think we all have these worries and you wouldn’t be a great momma if you didn’t but the biggest things is that you are aware of what might be tough ahead and know the warning signs from the last time.
And? This new baby won’t take a think away from Noah, just add to the love. I promise.
Thank you, Jessica! I think knowing the warning signs is going to help out a lot. 🙂 At least I’ll know what to look out for!
I had a lot of these same concerns before having my second, I feel like a lot of people do. I also struggled after my first with depression and feeling zero sense of self, but all of that was substantially easier after the second…and not an issue at all after the third. 🙂
I know it may feel like a lot right now, but you are infinitely more prepared than you can imagine and you are not the same person you were when you had your son. You know what it is like to strive for balance with your child, husband, and self. You know how to be a Mom, and you’ll do great.
Besides, the addition of another baby and the inevitable periodic chaos is fantastic blog fodder. Congratulations!
Stopping by from PYHO!
I definitely agree about the blog fodder! Who doesn’t enjoy living someone else’s chaos from time to time? I am hoping that since we will have more people around (more family coming to visit than with our first) that I’ll get more sleep and be better able to handle the anxieties that came with being a mom the first time. Thank you so much for your encouragement!
Although I am not a mom the funny thing is that so many of these worries and fears get to me. I worry if I’m good enough to be a mom. I worry if I can find the right balance between being a mom, a wife, and my own person. I worry about how to care for the child, how to handle the bumps and bruises along the way. I worry if I and my husband have what it takes to be good parents in this crazy world. It’s a scary thing. We want to be parents but there’s so much out there that makes us wonder if it’s the right thing.
I don’t know you very well but through my interactions with you I can tell this will go well for you. I can imagine it will be challenging at times but I have no doubt everything will turn out well. And I am sure Noah will embrace being a big brother and love it. You’re an awesome mother my friend. If I ever become a mother I hope I can be as mature and graceful as you are.
Aww, thank you so much, Kim! The last little part of your comment almost made me cry. You’re so sweet and I really appreciate it!
So many normal feelings here. Definitely. You’re going to have days where you say “this is what I was afraid of!” and other days where you say “I can’t believe I’m actually doing this!” and even other days where you say “this is easier than I thought”.
Noah will adjust better than you think. In fact YOU’LL probably have a harder time adjusting than he does.
No one can ever be “ready” for all the challenges that motherhood throws our way. But we’ve done so many things we never thought we could already, adding another baby to the mix is just another blessing-filled challenge! xo
Thank you, Laura! I remember those feelings when Noah was a baby. When we had somewhat mastered the newborn phase I remember thinking, “so this is what everyone was saying was so hard?” And then we hit toddlerhood, etc. It’s all about ups and downs. At least I’ll this corner of the web to rant, rave, and share with all of you. 🙂
Oh, Courtney, you are going to balance it all with grace – I just know it!
It is normal and healthy to have these fears. Count yourself a good mama because you ARE thinking about them. You care so deeply about sweet Noah and are so dedicated to your husband and your business – your passion will still be there, no matter what the circumstances. I’ve learned that it’s about perspective and adaptation, and I know that you’ll see that once little K gets here – and you’ll be a great as a mom to two!
Thank you so much for your comment, Amy! Your kind words were just what I needed to see/read when I wrote this. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate it!
Of COURSE! I’ll always be here, enjoying the blessing of “knowing” you . . . we can commiserate about the challenges and laugh about the funny times, and rave about the immense JOY that comes from parenting two children. And you’re going to have two beautiful BOYS!
oh what FUN!
It has been a couple of decades since we became parents, but I believe what was true then is true now. Each child will be wonderfully, wildly different, and will love you in a potentially different way.
One may be more quiet and introspective, one may be your bright and bold color outside the lines child. Embrace who they are and meet them as they are. As they grow older, you will deeply appreciate the different strengths and interests of each child. They will each frustrate you, for sure, as that is part of parenting: the growing, being the parent creating the boundaries, bringing their behavior back in from the edges, teaching them that there are consequences but there is always unconditional love.
The road will get rocky at times. The kids will love one another and yet will torment each other. They may profess to hate one another in different seasons, but just hold on to loving them both even more, and the seasons will pass.
Build a support network for yourself and just trust that you can do it. Just take a baby step at a time, and deep breaths occasionally along the way.
Thank you, Kim!! I remember how much my sister and I argued (and still do 20 something years into it) but we’ve always managed to hang in there. We’re looking forward to the good times and ready to tackle the ones that are frustrating. Life can’t always be perfect, right?
Girl, these are literally ALL feelings that I have experienced at one point or another. I am also a WAHM with 2 kiddos (as you know). It is ridiculously hard, and exhausting to find a balance. Easton is 3 months old and I am still searching for a way to “do it all”… but what I’ve realized is that I can’t. And I just need to do my best, but accept that if everything doesn’t get “done”, that’s okay. I also had major anxiety about Bennett feeling abandoned or replaced. I had many good long cries about it. I’m pretty sure a wrote a blog post or two about that very subject. It’s never easy to feel like you’re splitting your time, especially when the oldest child has been the only child for 2+ years. With time, though, I think having a baby around just becomes their new normal. Ya know? I’m not even sure Bennett remembers what life was like without Easton. And as far as the 2nd child, all they will ever know is life as the younger sibling. So no adjustment needed for them!.. so that’s a relief, right?
Just realize, that you are NOT along in these feelings. It is completely normal. Your heart will expand as soon as your new baby is born, and you will love that baby immediately. You may not “click” with him/her at first but you will get there. I promise!! I actually wrote a while back about how after a month or two, I was finally getting to know my baby. And how it was hard not to compare him to Bennett. Easton is in fact, his own person and he is unique. I need to create a special bond with him – one that is different than the one with Bennett. And it is happening, slowly but surely. And it’s the most rewarding thing in the world!!
You will be fine honey! I promise!
I was going to write my own comment but Mandy is completely right! I was so worried when I was pregnant with Lucas, and now with these 2 girls coming I’ve felt the same thing since I’ll REALLY be MIA in the beginning. But kids adjust WAY more than you think – and there will be so much to take in, he’ll most likely just roll with it.
You may have some little things that happen, I know Cohen started to act out when I was nursing bc he knew I couldn’t do anything about it; but that stopped after he realized the “baby” wasn’t going anywhere.
Luckily Noah is at an age where he understands things and will probably be such an amazing helper and be great!
You can do it Momma 🙂
xoxo
I’m sure that Noah will do the typical child thing and act out/throw tantrums at one point or another. Thankfully, my mom is going to be here so not only will there be a second set of hands to help with Jonah, but another set of eyes and ears to help entertain and occupy Noah….give him some of that attention I know he’s going to crave. We’re going to be fine. 🙂 Both of us. Right?!
Thank you for your comment, Mandy! I remember reading a lot about your worries/anxieties when you were expecting your second and I identified with you even then. I know in my heart that Noah is going to adjust just fine. It may take some time like it does with everyone, but we’re trying to plan accordingly and make having another baby as big of a deal for him as it is for everyone else.