Down

I’m irritated and upset tonight.

I had a meeting planned all week long with a potential client to talk about pricing and details for a Senior Portrait shoot. My mother in law told me all week that she would watch Noah for an hour or so while I went. Then at 1:30 this afternoon she decides that since Chase [my brother-in-law] wants to go see Charlie St. Cloud tonight, that she would take him. At 7:00. When I am supposed to meet with my client at 7:30. So where does that leave me? Without a babysitter. On a Friday night. Cancelling at last minute with a potential client. And possibly losing that business altogether. Which would have made me at least $350.

Add to that the fact that I have been dying to go see that movie and don’t have anyone to go with and you’ve got a frustrated and highly upset and irritated mommy.

This all goes back to the last post. I love my son. I love being a mom. But I have no life outside of diapers and playtime. I am lonely. I have zero friends here. And the one that I do have, is raising her daughter on her own and working a full time job. I miss my husband. And I’m insanely jealous of the fact that he doesn’t have to be daddy all the time. He gets a break. He’s in California right now, as we speak getting ready to go to the movies with some of his friends. And here I am. Alone. On a Friday night. Pecking away at a keyboard and wishing beyond anything that I had something more in my life. My son is asleep and no one is home, and I’m sad.

When did I reach this point of solitude. I can’t remember the last time I did anything by myself. Had any me time. Any real me time that didn’t involve buying groceries or running errands. I hate feeling this way because I feel guilty. And I hate that no one gets it. I hate that my husband gets to enjoy his Friday night and I’m at home by myself. I hate being in Alabama. I hate that since I have no choice apparently than to be home all the time that I’m not at least in my own home.

And I can’t depend on anyone to babysit. My dad won’t keep Noah alone, and my mom always has some shitty excuse as to why they can’t watch him. And I wouldn’t dare leave him with my sister. Josh’s dad is useless and I only ever hear from him if he wants or needs something. And Josh’s mom is [obviously] so self-involved that you can’t count on her for anything.

So here I sit. By myself. Like I’ve done pretty much every Friday Night since Noah was born, and will continue to do for many, many, many more.