52 Faces: Week 6
My head isn’t all here this week, folks. I promise I didn’t just ditch out on you. I haven’t made it around the link to visit last weeks 52 Faces participants, but I plan on doing that today. Bare with me.
Like I mentioned on Monday, I’ve been just walking around in a fog. The rain has set in for who knows how long (the forecast is showing rain until next week) and life just…has ways of knocking me to my knees sometimes. I guess what they say is true…when you’re on your knees your in the perfect position to pray. So that’s what I’ve been doing.
Praying for grace.
Praying for peace.
Praying for ease of mind and understanding.
It’s hard.
And truthfully, I don’t feel anything different.
My heart still hurts.
I’m still carrying around this heavy bundle of emotional baggage that I can’t seem to drop anywhere.
It’s just there.
And I honestly don’t know what I can do to make it go away.
So for now, I just continue to work, engulfing myself in work and doing what I enjoy while watching everyone around me announce their pregnancy and spending time with this sweet little boy…
This little boy who loves trains and cars and little miniature figures that he can carry around…
This little boy who gives three kinds of kisses: Big ones, Little Ones and Super-Awesome ones…
This little boy who thinks every piece of furniture is a trampoline for him to play on…
The little boy who thinks that he can sleep in mommy and daddy’s bed every night because we have room (when we really don’t…but he generally crawls up in there anyway)…
Who stays up way too late at night because he’a night owl like his mom…and then sleeps until 10:00 the next morning (during the winter months of course)…
The same boy who asks about babies whenever we see one…mentions having a brother or sister whenever the thought comes to mind…
The same boy who would be the best big brother any kid could ask for…
That’s who I wake up for every morning.
That’s who I spend my days worrying about. Because he’s the only one who holds my heart these days (with the exception of my husband, but I’m going to assume that was a given).
I let him get me through the days…focusing on how awesome he is and the fact that I get to be a parent. Focusing on how much he loves me and how much fun we have together.
Because he’s what I have now. He’s my present….and the present is all we have.
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Love this post. Beautiful photos! WIsh I would have jumped on your 52 weeks – although my boy is 10 — he has grown 3 inches since August!
😉
Oh bummer. Came too late for the link-up. Maybe next week I’ll get things done on time! 🙂
And he is a beautiful gift. I had a friend once who had trouble TTC with her second child for years. Not being able to conceive, she once told me, took so much from her that she began to only see what she lacked, the children she didn’t have, the sibling her daughter never had. What she realized with time was that rather than focusing on what she thought she was missing to feel whole, she need only focus on that which she already had. Her daughter. Her gift. She was already whole. She was already lucky. She was already blessed. This post reminded me of her.
I understand your fog. It took us about 3 years to conceive our first. I had similar thoughts and feelings. People would say clique things like “relax and it will happen” or “it will happen when it’s suppose to happen.” None of these things made me feel any better, in fact they made me feel worse. I felt guilty feeling jealous every time someone else announced their pregnancy and they would say “I was only off the pill for a month” or “I’m not sure how this happened, we were so busy I don’t know when it happened.” I wanted to shake these women. I put on a strong face but it really broken my heart. One day I confined in a friend and she replied with a simple “I’m sorry.” I said “It’s okay.” She then replied with “No, it’s not okay and you don’t have to be okay. It’s okay to not be okay.” So simple but it really was a turning point for me. I owed the pain and used it to help move forward. It was difficult and took time but I was eventually able to turn my pain into hope and positive feelings. I wish you the same.
[…] linking this post up with Courtney Kirkland‘s 52 faces challenge. This is week […]
is it too late to join? a friend just recommended your 52 Faces project. i’m learning how to use my camera and though I aspire to take wonderful shots of scenery, macro, etc, my one true desire is to capture those precious moments that I know my brain can’t accurately file away—-my children’s faces as they grow up. Question…how do we see the 52 Faces collection?
Hugs again…I’m sending a million hugs over your way!! Thinking of you!
♥ Kyna
P.S- totally off topic I know, but I love these shots…what are your go to actions? Your editing is always awesome…
oh, GRACE to you, friend! And HUGS. xx
I love the picture of all the toys lined up next to him on the couch. I’m not going to lie, my brother used to be obsessed with Thomas the Tank Engine and I can pretty much name all of them, their color and number. Hahaha. I can’t wait to have a boy and get him them. Thanks for linking up this week!