50 Shades of (Alaskan) Grey
I have a confession to make…
living in Alaska has been one of the hardest things I’ve had to do.
The summers here are beautiful and shiny and bright and full of sunshine and warm air (sometimes). Summer is full of camping and hiking and taking walks and trips to the park. It’s full of open windows, cool breezes and lots and lots of sunshine.
But winter?
Winter is hard.
Winter is dark and grey. Multiple shades of grey. 50 Shades plus. Easy. It’s bleak and dreary. It’s rainy and cold and full of howling wind, snow, rain, and ice. It’s black and charcoal colored. Full of gravel covered roads that have been covered to help with the ice. It’s dry and damp at the same time.
It’s difficult to be here…to be so far from home as it is. But winter makes it all the more difficult.
Winters out here bring out all of the negative. It brings out all of the insecurities and the bad habits. There’s no motivation, no desire to get out and go anywhere. There’s no internal drive to do anything. Even getting up out of the bed every day is hard. Crawling out of bed when the sun doesn’t come up until almost 10:00 am is next to impossible.
Finding the energy to put 100% into work, or cleaning, or exercising…is a full time battle.
And this winter has been harder than most for me.
Maybe it’s a mix of winter added on top of the post-baby blues. Whatever it is, I’ve had a hard time overcoming the slump this year. I’m lonely despite being surrounded by my wonderful boys (all three of them) and some close friends.
I’m tired, despite Jonah’s increasingly more routine sleep schedule and the occasional day time nap.
I’m feeling gloomy and insecure because I can’t find the drive or the motivation to make a go at losing these last 10 pounds and toning myself back up.
I know that we’ll come out of winter soon. The days are already getting longer. In fact, we’ve gained two hours of sunlight in the last month alone. The rain seems like it might be trying to let up a bit lately. We’ve seen more sunny days and the surge in Vitamin D already has me itching to get out more and do more.
We’re planning our first trip back to the lower 48 this summer. A trip home to see the family we’ve been missing since we left Alabama in January 2011. A trip to the beach to soak up as much sunshine and humidity as we can. A few visits to the lake and amusement parks and baseball games. Anything and everything to make a go at a “normal” summer before we come back to Alaska to finish out our final year in the “last frontier.”
I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I see the horizon and the end of this long, drawn out journey. And I’m thankful.
Thankful for the opportunity to live and experience Alaska, even if it hasn’t been my favorite of experiences.
Thankful for the chance to photograph and take in what I consider to be one of the most beautiful places I’ve ever seen…even if I would have rather visited instead of lived here for almost four years.
Thankful for the friends we’ve made and the memories that life here has brought.
But I’ll be glad to go. I’ll be glad to make my way back to the lower 48. Back towards sunshine and an existence full of bright colors and contrast and warmth. Instead of being surrounded by the 50 shades of Grey that the Alaskan winter brings.
Thanks to all of you who offered up encouragement via Twitter, blog comments, and direct emails after I mentioned that I was struggling a bit right now. After my dip into PPD when Noah was born, I’ve been a lot more conscious of my triggers and aware of what is going on with my emotions. I appreciate everyone’s genuine concern! You guys make me smile!
I know what you’re going through. The first few winters in Alaska were very hard on me. Before leaving after 12 years, it was still hard every winter. Sending you lots of good vibes to get you through this winter. Sunshine in the future!
Oh, winter is hard for me too…and our winters are nothing like yours. I love your honesty and I’m glad you can express it so openly. xo
Hang in there Mama! I know it’s very hard to live in a cold place like that! When we were stationed in Misawa, Japan. I felt that way my very first winter there. I was over 7000 miles from home and alone, no boyfriend, no family, no body. I didn’t even have any friends when I first got stationed there. It was so scary and dreary and sad. I’m shocked I made it on the other side honestly. But slowly I began to build that military family and found my future husband. Did the winters there get any easier? No….but having love and friends around me made each winter there a lot better. I’m glad the weather is getting better there!!!! I’ll send you some sunshine from Tucson!! (But not today because we are having “winter weather” which is a very small chance it’ll snow for like 10 minutes…)
I just realized that I’ve been following your blog basically since you moved to Alaska, which means that I’ve been reading your posts for over two years! You have grown so much as a business owner, a mom, a woman … I hope your visit down south again restores your spirit and touches your soul. Sending prayers and warm thoughts your way!
Oh honey. Big hugs to you. I have no idea how you’ve managed, and I’m sure it is unbelievably hard. I wish I had some really good advice, but all I can say is watch the height of the boys. As they grow by leaps and bounds you will see that the next year will fly.
If I’m hating 40 degrees and occasional sunshine in DC, I can only imagine how the cold and grey days of Alaska would affect a person, especially with a newborn and the time it takes for our bodies/emotions to get back in sync. I’m glad you’re in tune with your triggers and are writing it out. You have no clue how many people you may touch/help with this post. And I’ll echo Laura: you are a beautiful, amazing person, wife, and mother. Your design and photography skills are kick ass and your writing, especially writings that evoke such feeling (like this one) is excellent. Hang on.
My husband spent 3 summers working for the Forest Service in Alaska before I met him. He STILL wants to go back and winter there. And, wow – I want to support him but I don’t wanna do it! You are making the best of a hard situation, these are very real problems. The only thing I can think to say is heartfelt – thank you and your family for your service and sacrifice.
So much love for you.
All of it is hard. I get it. Living next to the ocean here in Canada is a lot of the same. Lots of dreary, cold, rainy, foggy, and snowy days. Lots of people deal with SAD (seasonal affective disorder). Top it up with all of the post-baby feelings and the exhaustion and the extra work that comes with being a Mom. It is dang near impossible to get through each day unscathed.
My hope for you is that you will cover yourself in grace. Remember that it took you 9 months to get ready for this baby. You’re allowed (at least) 9 months to get back to normal afterwards. Don’t fret about those extra 10lbs. (I’m still dealing with my extra “let’s call it 10” lbs). And don’t put so much pressure on yourself in other aspects too.
You’re awesome and beautiful and insanely productive and have an incredible perspective. Love and grace to you, friend.
This has been a hard winter for me, too, but I’m nowhere near surrounded by the environment that you are. I can’t imagine living with such a lack of sunlight….sometimes it’s the only thing that makes the cold bearable to me. I hope you have a good, warm, sunny, hot summer and a tolerable last year way up north.
That must be so tough. I moved from a place that was grey all winter to one that’s cold and snowy but sunny. Cold and snowy and grey would be a really hard combination. Here’s hoping that light finds you again.