Watch. Wait. Pray.
If you are visiting for the first time from SITS, then Welcome! I’m so happy to have you! Feel free to poke around a bit, get to know me and my family a bit. You’ll find my most popular posts in the sidebar and some of the things I ramble about the most in the navigation menu. I look forward to getting to know and meeting all of you!
Some friends of ours just had their baby.
A little boy named Ezekiel (“Zeke” for short).
I had the privilege of taking his newborn photos yesterday (they’ll be on my Facebook Page in a few days!).
His tiny little hands…his little bitty feet.
That sweet baby smell…the softness of his baby skin.
I was absolutely intoxicated by this little boy. Mesmerized by his sweetness and newness; entranced by the obvious adoration and affection that his new mommy and daddy had for him (and for each other). And I was way beyond excited to get to experience and be a part of this exciting and once-in-a-lifetime moment with this family.
And inside…
I was aching.
It’s a bit easier to be excited and elated for close friends when they have a baby. I mean, you’re supposed to be excited and elated, right?
Supposed to be eager and willing to jump into the wonderful throes of new-dom (yes, that’s a word…it has to be, my spellcheck didn’t’ auto correct it) with them.
But…
Despite how much I love this family and how happy I am for them, I was still a bit heart-broken.
My husband new it.
We left their house the day that they came home from the hospital and it took all that I had in me to keep the silent tears from falling.
Because eight months into this journey of adding to our family, we seem to be no closer than the day that we started.
Days continue to tick by and turn into weeks. Weeks turn into months, and months are creeping toward years.
It’s hard to believe that we’ve been trying for eight months already. Inside, I keep trying to stifle the acknowledgments that if we’d gotten pregnant right at the beginning (like we did with Little Man), then we’d be getting ready to meet our new baby next month. We’d be nearing the end of the pregnancy, would know if we were having a boy or a girl, and would be picking out baby names.
At the same time, I rationalize that if we’d gotten pregnant right at the beginning this time, there would be some things that I wouldn’t have been able to do. Like take little Zeke’s pictures for his mom and dad. Or work the kind of hours I’ve been working (which has earned us some extra bills/savings/Christmas Fund money). Or roll around on the floor and wrestle with my little guy.
With every bit of good comes bad. Just as with every bit of bad, comes good.
But, it’s still hard.
Watching another baby be born; seeing another pregnancy announcement; my three year old grow up and embrace life as it comes at him…
Waiting for our turn again; for the chance to add to our family and give our son a little brother or sister…
Praying that God continues to soften my heart to his will and his timing; begging for strength to continue to push through this season of ours lives…
Because other than that, what else can I do?
Sharing this post with Shell @ Things I Can’t Say for Pour Your Heart Out and with The Extraordinary Ordinary for (a very late) Just Write.
Happy for your awesome SITS day SITStah! Sorry I am late and missed the official day, but thrilled for you. I pray and hope that you continue to reach deeper into other’s hearts and through your own pain. Thank you for your honesty in all you write. You challenge me to be a bit more vulnerable in my writing too. Blessings…
Awww, no worries Leah! Thank you for stopping by! Always appreciated! And I encourage you to open up in your writing. I’ve found so many more friendships and deeper connections by not being so scared to put myself out there. You’ll be surprised by how much support there is out here in the blog world!
I remember that feeling so well. It is so hard to continue being happy for everyone else when you want a baby of your own so badly. Eight months feels like eight years when you are trying to get pregnant. I hope it happens for you soon Courtney.
It really does. But, I try to remind myself that in the grand scheme of things, eight months isn’t that long…especially when others have tried for years. There’s always a bright side, right? 🙂
[…] despite how PHENOMENAL my SITS Day was yesterday, last night I hit a wall (not […]
I now this does not help the pain, or make the ache go away, but I truly believe that everything happens for a reason, and it’s all within God’s plan. Sometimes it takes months or even years to realize it…but it all happens for a reason, and shapes who you are later in life! You are blessed in so many ways (and I know you already know that), but just know that there is a greater plan.
In the meantime Courtney, here are some {big hugs} for you!
♥ Kyna
I really believe that, too Kyna. And I tried to remind myself of that over and over again. I know in my heart that there is a time and a place and a purpose for everything. Thank you so much for your sweet encouragement and your virtual hugs!!
Happy SITS day Courtney!
I can’t imagine how difficult it must be to see a newborn and to be struggling with trying to get pregnant. Hugs to you in this difficult time.
Thank you, Jessica! It’s so hard, but it’s also so humbling to be part of something so special for the other family.
Happy SITS day, Courtney! I know that when things are meant to be for you, they will be. While hard, I hope that you can remember to enjoy this time that you do have with your little guy, with your husband, and in your current life. Adding a baby changes things, so remember to savor the now, too. Soon you will be able to look back on this time, with your little one, and laugh. Soon you will wonder why 8 months seemed so long. Soon it will happen. 🙂
Thank you, Jessica! That is definitely something I strive to do daily. I know that when another baby comes, my time will be split up, so I’m loving and living it up with the one child I have now. Thank you for your encouragement!
Praying for you Courtney!
Thank you so much, Kathryn! I really, really appreciate that!
I know where you are. I’ve been there – we experienced secondary infertility. There’s a 6 year age gap between our first son and our second son. Our son prayed for 3 years for Jesus to send him a baby brother. In 6th grade, he had to take picture from every year of his life and tell a story. He took the picture of him holding his baby brother when he was born (6) and told the story saying, “Be careful what you pray for because when God answers, he answers abundantly. I now have 3 baby brothers.” Now he has 4.
Stop by and read my post “Cry Ye Sarah’s” – maybe it will help you through the journey, give you hope and peace:)
http://bluecottonmemory.wordpress.com/2011/11/07/sanctified-together-cry-ye-sarahs-unto-the-lord/
Congrats on your SITS day!
I know the wait is hard and painful, but being able to see the joy in the now is a precious gift. Fingers crossed you won’t have to wait too much longer!
visiting from SITS, i can relate… had the same experience. but hey, trust GOD’s timing. you can read my post http://www.sweetmemoirs.com/2011/03/pregnancy-update-20-weeks.html
i had about the same situation as yours but i got pregnant at GOD’s perfect time! cheer up!