When It’s Just Too Much

I promised that I was going to continue Monday’s post about Christmas traditions and memories today.

But, despite how PHENOMENAL my SITS Day was yesterday, last night I hit a wall (not literally).

I came down off my SITS high, read through nearly 100 amazing comments (you guys seriously rock!) and then just…

fizzled out…

broke down…

lost my nerve a bit…

I’m not proud of these moments.

Not proud of the anger and frustration and sheer despair that washes over me sometimes.

This is a very tough season for me, personally.

Tougher than I thought it would be.

I put on my strong face, smile and act like I’ve got it together for everyone around me.

I play games with my son, love on him and throw every ounce of energy I have into making sure that he’s taken care of.

I love on my husband. Clean the house and make sure that things are “just so” to live up to that perfect housewife persona that I have in my mind.

I throw myself into my work and my writing and my photos, hoping to scratch the surface of a little ounce of excitement and joy.

But, I’m broken these days, guys.

Especially at the end of the month.

The middle of the month is a whole different me.

I’m excited. I’m happy. I’m eager and full of anticipation.

But the end?

The end is when it feels like everything shatters again.

Another dead end.

Another empty and wasted month.

It’s hard.

And it hurts.

And for a day or two out of each month, I can’t help but just give in to the emotions and just be.

We’ll be heading into month nine if this week goes as I expect.

And despite having so much to be thankful for…

it still

just

hurts.

And I feel like I’ve done nothing but complain here. Nothing but whine and whimper and sulk. And that, again, makes me frustrated.

But I swore when I started this blog that I’d keep it honest. I’d keep it real.

And right now, this is real. This is what I’m feeling. I’m doubting. I’m questioning. I’m wavering.

I know this season will pass.

They all do.

And most months the negatives on the HPT’s or the unwelcome visitor I receive just comes and goes without a second thought.

I don’t expect much anymore. I don’t anticipate.

But days like yesterday when I read/hear/receive FOUR Pregnancy announcements within an eight hour time frame…

they are hard.

They are gut-wrenching.

So, I just sit back and watch. And wait. And Pray for the anguish to pass again.

And then I go hug my son, kiss my husband and thank God for what he has given me.

Despite how encouraging all of you are week after week and month after month, I’ve decided to close the comments on this post. I really just needed to get this off my chest. This blog is therapeutic in helping me to work through me feelings. I appreciate all of your prayers, support and uplifting thoughts day in and day out. And to those of you who announced a pregnancy recently, know that I am over the moon excited for you and your families. Don’t ever think that my personal struggles will change that. Make sure to come back Friday for Feature Friday!