Pain is Pain (no matter how long you’ve endured it)
A few weeks ago I wrote a post about how hard it can be to be overly excited for your pregnant friends when you yourself are having a hard time getting pregnant.
I was overwhelmed by the support I received from all of you; your comments, your encouragement, your stories of struggle. So many of you have been where I am now and I am grateful for your willingness to share that part of yourself with me.
But, with the kind and encouraging comments, came the questionable ones. The ones that were left anonymously (and not so anonymously). The ones that weren’t so understanding; the ones that said I was offensive to others who had struggled with “diagnosed” infertility (meaning that they are medically considered infertile because of the length of unsuccessful attempts at conception). Messages and comments that very clearly stated that maybe I didn’t have the right to be complaining. After all, I have one child already, right? So why complain? It’s not like I don’t have any.
Those comments hurt.
In fact, I think I cried over one of them.
All of sudden, the pain and the hurt that I was feeling, wasn’t good enough.
In their eyes, I haven’t suffered enough.
Waited long enough.
Endured enough.
It felt like I was being told that until I had suffered as long as some of the others, until my pain had reached a more elevated level, I needed to just sit and suffer in silence.
When did having children become a competition?
Wait…let me rephrase that…
When did trying to have a child become a competition?
We’ve just started on our seventh month in this journey to add to our family. It isn’t an eternity, and certainly not nearly as lengthy as some others have endured. But that doesn’t make my desire to have another baby any different than anyone else’s.
It doesn’t make the hurt that comes with every negative test fade.
It doesn’t make it any easier to swallow the feeling that everyone is getting pregnant right now except me.
Fertility (or lack thereof) isn’t a contest.
It isn’t a race where the winner waits the longest and the prize is the right to feel sad about not having a baby.
To those who have suffered longer than I have, I commend you for your faith and for your struggle. I can not fathom the journey that some of you have been on.
But to those of you who are on the path with me, struggling to make sense of this new place you’re in; waiting impatiently for those beautiful two pink lines you’ve desperately been hoping for…those of you who feel the twinges of pain with every new announcement of pregnancy you read on Facebook or Twitter…
You are NOT alone.
And you have the RIGHT to feel whatever you want to feel.
You have the RIGHT to hurt and be sad.
Don’t let anyone tell you differently.
You don’t have to suffer in silence.
Because in the end, pain is pain, no matter how long you’ve been enduring it.
Have you struggled with conception and adding to your family?
Did you ever feel like your “pain” wasn’t good enough?
I was selected for this post by the Clever Girls Collective, which endorses Blog With Integrity, as I do.
I’m also sharing this post today with Shell @ Things I Can’t Say for Pour Your Heart Out.
True words! I had a similar experience a couple of months ago when talking with a lady about my miscarriage. Her daughter, who I don’t know well, miscarried a few weeks before our conversation. I shared my story and then the lady asked, “was it your first baby?” (Her daughter miscarried their first after struggling with infertility.) I explained that this baby was my 4th. Her response was lukewarm and she quickly ended the conversation. I got the distinct feeling that because I already had children my miscarriage was somehow not as big of a deal as her daughter’s. Like my grief was less important. While I am the first to admit I didn’t have to struggle with the “what ifs” that come with losing your first, pain is pain. Grief is grief. No matter the duration.
As you said it, pain is pain. Any disappointment is still a disappointment and you have a right to want another child. So I don’t get why people wouldn’t understand when you’re finding it difficult to conceive another child.
I love that you write about this topic. I am going to send this post and another related to it to a friend who struggles with infertility and miscarriages. She has often mentioned how she feels like there is an unspoken demand to be quiet about the issue. Thank you.
I think we need to be sensitive to everyone’s situations out there….It’s hard for me for instance to fathom wanting a child that bad, but I totally support you and all the other women out there going through what you are….Stay strong!
Pain is Pain. Absolutely true. People say the wrong things – and I don’t think intentionally (usually). It’s an important lesson to learn in life. Mine might be a divorce. Hers may be crushing loneliness. Another’s may be wanting so badly to meet someone to go through life with and only wishing they had someone to share their bed with at night. And on. And on. What’s important is to respect exactly what the title of your post here says – Pain in pain and try to champion each other through. I wish you the best with your efforts at two little pink feet again.
I’m so sorry that people added to your pain. We’re not getting anywhere with our attempts either, though we haven’t been as focused as we might have been. I don’t think it’s ever fair to diminish someone else’s struggle. Where does that get anyone? If you said, “Yes, sorry. Your pain is worse than mine,” would that help the other person. Nope. So why tell you not to complain?
I just don’t get it. But I’m glad you were comfortable writing about it again. Always here to listen.
Thank you, Robin. I don’t know what purpose that kind of mentality serves, either. I think most of those kind of comments are just made out of hurt, sadness and overall despair. Who are we to judge? Any of us? Each person is dealing with their own form of pain. And until we’ve “been there,” exactly where they are, we can’t understand it. And you know that I’m always here for you, too, my friend. Whenever you need someone to talk to.
First, sorry to hear you had insensitive people comment. A lot of people didn’t understand how I felt when I wasn’t successful at getting pregnant the second time, and I often got similar comments you did – “Well you have JBird, why don’t you enjoy her?” I did, but that wasn’t the issue.
When I miscarried (twice, before Bird) people said the weirdest and strange, sometimes hurtful things. {If I hear “It was meant to be” ever again, I will probably punch the person who says it.} Really, I just needed a hug.
When we were trying for our second, it wasn’t easy. The first 3x times (incl. 2 m/c + JBird) I got pregnant 1st try, so I figured it would happen as I wanted it to the second time. I was wrong. By month 5 (6?) I was distraught. My doctor was going to “check me out” and told me not to try for a month. That was hard, and around NYE…. one bottle of wine later, and a disregard for Dr’s orders, and I got … lucky. 39 weeks later, Thumper was born.
I can’t stand that whole “it was meant to be” thing. Sheesh. Or the “when the timing is right” thing either. Those kind of comments don’t make anyone feel better. Not even in the slightest. Thank you for understanding. 🙂
It is so hard to put yourself out there and then get negative comments. I have never understood the need to compare heartache. I have been told, more than once, that at least I lost my daughter when she was so young because it would have been much harder if she were older. I just don’t understand it. Who’s too say what pain is greater.
Sorry, I could go on and on. Just know I am thinking of you and hoping for the best. I’m here if you ever need me, we struggled for years to get pregnant.
Who’s to make that kind of judgement on you anyway? I can’t believe someone would actually have the audacity to say something so selfish and unthoughtful to you! Losing a child? I can’t imagine…but thank you. Thank you so much for your encouragement, your prayers and your support. I can’t tell you how much that means to me. 🙂
For the life of me I cannot understand why any person would be so cruel as to dismiss your pain and personal journey. Keep your faith and be upset when you’re upset, it’s important to know that everyone is fighting their own battles. There will always be someone who’s been through more difficult things than each of us, that doesn’t lessen the pain you’re feeling. When my Husband was on his second deployment a friend of mine’s Husband left for a month of training. Whenever she would call and say “I miss my Husband, this sucks” she’d always follow it up with ” I feel so bad for saying I miss my Husband when he’s only gone a month and your’s will be gone for a year” I had to tell her that I think it sucks when my Husband is gone for a week, she has every right to be upset and voice her pain. Just because someone isn’t going through the worst of the worst doesn’t mean it sucks less or is any less painful. I’ll keep you in my prayers!
Thank you, Lindsey. You’re right. Each persons struggle is difficult for them for different reasons. We can’t pretend to understand or grasp what someone else is feeling until we have walked a mile in their shoes. Thank you for your encouragement and prayers! I appreciate them so much!
Well said, Courtney. I am so sorry your thoughts and feelings were belittled! I’m sure someone already said this, but those who posted that are likely posting a response out of their pain, too. People tend to be less sensitive and more rash when going through a tough time. (I’ve been guilty of this, for sure!)
It took us over 10 months to get pregnant with my first daughter, and while I know many have endured much longer or faced the heartbreak infertility (and my heart aches for them!), that was such a hard time for me. Every month was difficult. I have a dear friend who has been trying for almost 6 years to conceive. Although she is trying to trust God with it, I know her pain is great and hearing news of friends’ pregnancy is bittersweet.
I think we all should strive to have love and compassion for each other right where we are, even if we can’t relate or “feel” that our circumstances are worse, for whatever reason. You’re right, pain is pain…and to each person it’s their reality. It stares them in the face daily.
I think we’ve all been guilty of lashing out at others because we are hurting ourselves. It’s only natural, and I don’t hold the slightest grudge or form of resentment toward people who commented. I understand and realize that they would probably never say something like that, were they not hurting. And you’re right. We should all empathize, love and try to lift up others who are hurting, whether we understand it or not. Thank you for being so supportive and offering such a beautiful and encouraging word. 🙂