Pain is Pain (no matter how long you’ve endured it)
A few weeks ago I wrote a post about how hard it can be to be overly excited for your pregnant friends when you yourself are having a hard time getting pregnant.
I was overwhelmed by the support I received from all of you; your comments, your encouragement, your stories of struggle. So many of you have been where I am now and I am grateful for your willingness to share that part of yourself with me.
But, with the kind and encouraging comments, came the questionable ones. The ones that were left anonymously (and not so anonymously). The ones that weren’t so understanding; the ones that said I was offensive to others who had struggled with “diagnosed” infertility (meaning that they are medically considered infertile because of the length of unsuccessful attempts at conception). Messages and comments that very clearly stated that maybe I didn’t have the right to be complaining. After all, I have one child already, right? So why complain? It’s not like I don’t have any.
Those comments hurt.
In fact, I think I cried over one of them.
All of sudden, the pain and the hurt that I was feeling, wasn’t good enough.
In their eyes, I haven’t suffered enough.
Waited long enough.
Endured enough.
It felt like I was being told that until I had suffered as long as some of the others, until my pain had reached a more elevated level, I needed to just sit and suffer in silence.
When did having children become a competition?
Wait…let me rephrase that…
When did trying to have a child become a competition?
We’ve just started on our seventh month in this journey to add to our family. It isn’t an eternity, and certainly not nearly as lengthy as some others have endured. But that doesn’t make my desire to have another baby any different than anyone else’s.
It doesn’t make the hurt that comes with every negative test fade.
It doesn’t make it any easier to swallow the feeling that everyone is getting pregnant right now except me.
Fertility (or lack thereof) isn’t a contest.
It isn’t a race where the winner waits the longest and the prize is the right to feel sad about not having a baby.
To those who have suffered longer than I have, I commend you for your faith and for your struggle. I can not fathom the journey that some of you have been on.
But to those of you who are on the path with me, struggling to make sense of this new place you’re in; waiting impatiently for those beautiful two pink lines you’ve desperately been hoping for…those of you who feel the twinges of pain with every new announcement of pregnancy you read on Facebook or Twitter…
You are NOT alone.
And you have the RIGHT to feel whatever you want to feel.
You have the RIGHT to hurt and be sad.
Don’t let anyone tell you differently.
You don’t have to suffer in silence.
Because in the end, pain is pain, no matter how long you’ve been enduring it.
Have you struggled with conception and adding to your family?
Did you ever feel like your “pain” wasn’t good enough?
I was selected for this post by the Clever Girls Collective, which endorses Blog With Integrity, as I do.
I’m also sharing this post today with Shell @ Things I Can’t Say for Pour Your Heart Out.
I am so upset that you were hurt by comments. I wrote a similar post once and received similar comments that were hard to handle. Here is the thing: EACH of our pains are unique. That is why it is SO IMPORTANT for us to share our stories and our experiences. Why should we compare our pains and our struggles? Why should we, as mothers, who NEED each other’s SUPPORT, COMPETE?!
So here I am, friend to friend, mother to mother, saying I AM HERE FOR YOU. I am saying that your pain is justified and that your story is beautiful. I am saying that you have every right to feel your pain and to share your pain. And I am saying that no matter where I am in MY motherhood journey, I will cry with you for your pain and rejoice with you when you are able. I hope the majority of the women you meet treat you the same way.
Thank you, Laura. You know that I value your friendship so much. We each experience pain in a different and individual way. It’s not something anyone can change about us or take away from us. If nothing else the hurtful comments have made me realize and acknowledge that EVERYONE suffers from something. And I hope I never become one of those people who belittles another’s struggle because I don’t understand it.
Sweetest pleasure is also a pain but that’s just poetic. Pain stays but the wounds heal with time! The traces of pain are not easy to do away with.
How beautifully poetic. And such an important reminder! Thank you!
Amen – I know I just started in on this journey…but TTC can be very emotional. The waiting, the hoping, the questions, the overanalyzing…it’s stressful and where I am at in the journey…I can’t complain, I can’t question, I just have to wait. I nearly went to a baby board the other day but it terrified me. Girl you’re not alone.
Thank you, my friend. And I have to say, I look so forward to our little email chats about this. Being on this road of two week time frames is tough and emotionally draining. You know I’m ALWAYS here to chat if you need it!
I am SO sorry for the additional pain inflicted by the thoughtless, insensitive comments. You are absolutely right – pain is pain. Just because you have not endured for as long, or in the same way as someone else does not lessen the grief. I also received those same types of comments, and it only added to the hurt that I was already feeling. Infertility – in any form (diagnosed or not, secondary or not) – does hurt. The desire for more children/another child is good! And, in my opinion, it should make those of us who have dealt with it that much MORE sensitive and empathetic (not less!) to those who are struggling to conceive – whether it has been a few months, or a few years! Once again, I wish I could reach through the screen and hug you. But, since I can’t, know that someone else has been there…has felt the sting of those remarks…and has cried MANY tears over them as well. And, know that I am praying for – as one who has been there.
Thank you so much, Veronica. I couldn’t agree with your comment more. I think, if anything, I’ve gained a more sensitive heart toward this subject. My heart breaks any time someone mentions that they are having trouble/have had trouble getting pregnant. The desire for children is something that can’t be changed, controlled or lessened. And I appreciate the support that I have received through this blog from people, like you, who have walked this journey.
This is one of your best posts!
Thank you!!! I really appreciate that!
Of course you have the right to be sad and no one should even imply otherwise!! Just because you are in a different stage doesn’t mean you don’t hurt!
That being said…
After a post on my blog about my own infertility I got a facebook message from a lady “encouraging” me. She said she had been where I had and completely understood the pain I was dealing with. She wanted to get pregnant with her THIRD child but after three failed months she gave up. Once she relaxed she was able to conceive on the fourth month. So I just need to stop worrying about it and trust God. Ummm hello?! My reaction was like the ones you were talking about. How dare she think she can understand what I am going through! There is a big difference between 4 months and 2 years! Relax? Relax?! No, I’m not infertile because I need to “relax”. Go ask my doctor.
She was legitimately sad and I’m sure those 4 months were hard for her but she belittled my pain when she pretended to understand and put herself as equal with my actual infertility.
I’m not saying that’s what YOU did in your post but I am saying that those who were so mean may have taken it that way. You have every right to be sad… 7 months feels like an eternity… it’s the point where I started to understand something wasn’t right. I shed a lot of tears that first year… it’s when the fear became reality for me. But those who were mean to you, wrong as they were for acting that way, may have thought you were trying to understand what they feel like. That lady who “encouraged” me on Facebook tried to pretend she understood my pain but unless she had gone 2 years TTC then she couldn’t… just like I can’t pretend to understand someone who has gone 5+ years, or had several miscarriages or has spent thousands on IVF. We all want a baby and that hurts but we can’t really understand each other’s pain unless we’ve walked in those shoes.
Please know I am NOT condoning what those women said to you at all! You have EVERY right to be upset and shame on them for belittling YOUR pain! I am just trying to give you what might be their perspective.
(I wrote a book! Sorry!)
I agree. And I try to always tread lightly in these waters; talking about fertility and babies and having kids. It’s a touchy subject for so many people and I don’t want to offend anyone. And I don’t pretend to understand at ALL what your pain (or anyone else who has been battling this for years on end) is like. I think the overall point I was trying to make here is that we all feel things differently; we all hurt differently. And no one, no matter if they’ve been trying for one month or five years, should throw aside or belittle anyone else’s hurt because of their own. I’m eerily more aware of this subject and its sensitivity now that I’m facing this myself. Like you said, we can’t understand one another’s pain until we’ve walked in those shoes. Thanks for always being so supportive and understanding. I can’t tell you what that means. 🙂
before I had my big lil’ it took us a year before we got pregnant. that year was rough… and you are right… pain is pain and you are so within your own to feel the way that you do!!!!!! your experience is your own!!! you can only feel what is happening to you.. so why would others make you feel like what you are experiencing is any less…. I think that is what happens all too often in motherhood… “you think you have it rough with two kid… try having 5”! Its ridiculous… and worth ignoring! God’s timing is perfect and I can’t wait to see your road to two unfold… SO EXCITED!!!
Thank you, Syreena! Your comment really made me smile. We each feel emotions in different ways; it’s one of the things that make us so unique. I appreciate your support and your encouragement!
Yes…SO TRUE. I am sorry people have been hurtful. That makes it sl much harder. I remember when we were trying for our second baby, and waiting, my cousin announced she was pregnant, and it was so hard. I sobbed later. But felt bad that I wasn’t thrilled for her. Your feelings are YOUR feelings, and no one should tell you what hurts you. It’s not something you can really control, ya know? Hang in there. Saying a prayer for you! 🙂
Thank you! I had a good long sob fest the other day when I read another pregnancy announcement on Facebook. It’s a very bittersweet emotion…feeling happy and devastated at the same time.
I have had a hard time keeping up with everyone’s blogs lately. So I’m a little behind with all of this! I’m sorry to hear you’re going through this. My sister and her hubby TTC for 2 years and were unsuccessful (she was diagnosed with PCOS) and after a lot of frustration and tears, and a lot of money – they finally have their miracles! (she’s pregnant with twins). Anyway, I tell you this because I was very inspired by my sisters persistence. She knew what she wanted and she kept going for it… and eventually it paid off! And you too, will have your miracle! I know you will.
And from experience with my sister, I know that saying things like “it just takes time”, “be patient”, “it will happen when the time is right”… all of those things never help so I will not say them to you. I will just say that I’m thinking about you! xoxo
I’m reading this comment now and my heart is BREAKING for your family and your sister. Please pass along a hug and let her know that there are so many of us out here that are praying for her and for her beautiful babies. And congrats to you on your little announcement! I totally think it’s going to be another boy.
Good luck on trying!!! I am sure I will soon see a post that says your expecting. Best wishes love!
Thank you, Summer! I sure hope I get to post one of those really, really soon!!