Pain is Pain (no matter how long you’ve endured it)
A few weeks ago I wrote a post about how hard it can be to be overly excited for your pregnant friends when you yourself are having a hard time getting pregnant.
I was overwhelmed by the support I received from all of you; your comments, your encouragement, your stories of struggle. So many of you have been where I am now and I am grateful for your willingness to share that part of yourself with me.
But, with the kind and encouraging comments, came the questionable ones. The ones that were left anonymously (and not so anonymously). The ones that weren’t so understanding; the ones that said I was offensive to others who had struggled with “diagnosed” infertility (meaning that they are medically considered infertile because of the length of unsuccessful attempts at conception). Messages and comments that very clearly stated that maybe I didn’t have the right to be complaining. After all, I have one child already, right? So why complain? It’s not like I don’t have any.
Those comments hurt.
In fact, I think I cried over one of them.
All of sudden, the pain and the hurt that I was feeling, wasn’t good enough.
In their eyes, I haven’t suffered enough.
Waited long enough.
Endured enough.
It felt like I was being told that until I had suffered as long as some of the others, until my pain had reached a more elevated level, I needed to just sit and suffer in silence.
When did having children become a competition?
Wait…let me rephrase that…
When did trying to have a child become a competition?
We’ve just started on our seventh month in this journey to add to our family. It isn’t an eternity, and certainly not nearly as lengthy as some others have endured. But that doesn’t make my desire to have another baby any different than anyone else’s.
It doesn’t make the hurt that comes with every negative test fade.
It doesn’t make it any easier to swallow the feeling that everyone is getting pregnant right now except me.
Fertility (or lack thereof) isn’t a contest.
It isn’t a race where the winner waits the longest and the prize is the right to feel sad about not having a baby.
To those who have suffered longer than I have, I commend you for your faith and for your struggle. I can not fathom the journey that some of you have been on.
But to those of you who are on the path with me, struggling to make sense of this new place you’re in; waiting impatiently for those beautiful two pink lines you’ve desperately been hoping for…those of you who feel the twinges of pain with every new announcement of pregnancy you read on Facebook or Twitter…
You are NOT alone.
And you have the RIGHT to feel whatever you want to feel.
You have the RIGHT to hurt and be sad.
Don’t let anyone tell you differently.
You don’t have to suffer in silence.
Because in the end, pain is pain, no matter how long you’ve been enduring it.
Have you struggled with conception and adding to your family?
Did you ever feel like your “pain” wasn’t good enough?
I was selected for this post by the Clever Girls Collective, which endorses Blog With Integrity, as I do.
I’m also sharing this post today with Shell @ Things I Can’t Say for Pour Your Heart Out.
Oh gosh my entire comment was deleted. Ugh!
I’m sorry y’all have been doing through this. Lboy was such a surprise for us, that it was really hard for me to plan this baby because every month that I got a negative pregnancy test it was so disappointing.
I’m also really sorry that you got negative feedback. That’s just stupid & not fair.
Uh-oh! Sorry your comment was deleted. 🙁 Thats no fun…
Those negative tests are for the birds. But I’m so excited for you! And wishing you a happy, healthy 9 months!! Are you thinking boy or girl this time?
While this is not something that I’ve dealt with, I always say that we all have something hard to deal with.
And just b/c someone else can come along and say that they have it worse doesn’t mean that what we deal with isn’t still HARD.
Thank you, Shell. My thoughts exactly. Who am I to judge the circumstance that you are in and tell you that you aren’t hurting, and vice-versa.
pain is never a competition. I do think though that it makes people say things they wouldn’t normally say–hurt is a powerful scary place. I am sorry for your pain and so sorry you had to read hurting words on your own blog. Be strong and know you are supported.
Thank you, Wendy. I wholeheartedly agree. People say things sometimes out of hurt that they would never say otherwise. Pain, fear and despair can turn us into something/someone that we never meant to be. I appreciate your support so much!
Nuff said..well said…pain IS pain.
Thank you, Leah. 🙂
My sweet, sweet eldest daughter. Do not let others tell you how you should or should not feel. That is why God gave each one of us our very own heart and soul. You have the right to feel the feelings that you do. Yes, to some it is an eternity and to others it is a dream that is never fulfilled. However, that does not give anyone the right to tell you or others that their feelings are wrong. Just keep
Thank you, mama. 🙂 You’ve always been my biggest supporter and I love you dearly for that.
I know I’ve said it before but I’ve so been where you are right now! While we were trying we were in the month before I was supposed to start fertility meds and I got pregnant (thank goodness, I was not wanting to do the drugs). There was a girl who was trying (and still is) with no success and lots and lots and lots of drugs and tests and procedures and she just kept making me feel like because I had ONLY been trying for like 1.5 years and was NOT on meds, I wasn’t really having “trouble” getting pregnant, that I shouldn’t feel bad when others get pregnant and that she BETTER get pregnant before me. I felt bad for her but at the same time, I wanted to smack her! LOL! She wasn’t the only one who was like that so I totally know that people can be mean and all you want to do is back-hand them for thinking your struggle is any less than theirs just because your current situation is different.
I totally know where you are and am here anytime you want to talk friend!
Thank you, Jessica! I try to remember that people like that (the one that you mentioned in your comment and the ones who made comments about my post), are hurting. People say things out of hurt that they would never say otherwise. I can usually let them roll off my back. Glad you guys got your precious little miracle! 🙂
I’m sorry that someone would imply you don’t have the right to be sad. That is crazy. I’m not exactly in the same boat, but sort of. I want another baby right now but my husband wants to wait till he graduates so I’ll be waiting at least another year. Waiting stinks. No matter how long it’s been, it all stinks.
You are right. Waiting isn’t my favorite “game” to play either. I’m not the worlds most patient person; especially when it’s something I really have my heart set on. Saying a prayer for you, too, my friend.
I have so many friends who have struggled with this and you are right-on-the-money when it comes to the hurt being the same. Hang in there sweet friend and know that so many people who care about you are praying for your entire family. 🙂
Thank you so much, Michelle. I really, really appreciate the prayers and the support. 🙂 It makes everything so much easier.
I just read that post yesterday, and I found myself thinking (before I even got to the end of the post)…”Does she even take fertility drugs? Does she just get to have sex each month with no worries about doctors and meds and ultrasounds and thousands of dollars worth of….” But then I stopped. I thought to myself… I have been where she is. I have been at that stage, and it was just as painful for me then, as THIS stage (of meds and doctors and all that jazz) is for me now. I mean sure – I’ve been through a lot of heartache, been trying a little longer, spent more money, more tears…but it DOES NOT make it hurt any more than you hurt. The same for women who are even further along in their struggle than I am. Those who on their third IVF, or maybe are doing surrogacy. They maybe have been through more, but it doesn’t take away MY pain, or make it LESS painful in any way. So thanks for posting this. I hope we both get lucky enough to get pregnant soon – but if it doesn’t happen right away, we’ll at least be there for one another right?!!??!
Exactly. Everything you just said. My heart BREAKS for those who have been struggling with infertility for months (and years!) I can’t imagine the pain and the gut-wrenching ache that is felt. I think ultimately, what ties us all together, is the desire to have a child (or another child, in my case). That ache is the same for all of us, no matter how much money is spent, how many meds are taken, and how long the journey has been. And I appreciate, so much, the understanding from people like you who have walked this road and been on this journey a little bit longer. Sending up lots and lots of baby dust for you!! HUGS!
It is sad that women would say that to you, every woman in your situation had the right to grieve and discus there emotions on this. I don’t condone what they said and the fact that they where so harsh to you about it. Just remember, that for the ones who don’t have children, they are hurting bad too – and sometime hurt, and emotion make us say hurtful things to others.
Keep strong hun! Thank you for the encouragement. Your advice here can be applied in more then one situation :).
You’re right. Sometimes our own emotions get in the way and we say things we don’t really mean. We’ve all done it, and I try not to hold anything like that over someones head. We’re all entitled to our own feelings. Which is why I tread carefully around subjects such as this. Everyone is fighting a harder battle in one way or another. 🙂