One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

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I’ve always considered myself to be an optimistic person. When things go pear shaped, I am usually the one who keeps my outlook on the good and sunny side. I don’t like to be down and out. I don’t like to be sad, and whiney, and pitiful. I spent too much time around people like that growing up, and vowed that I would never look at life that way.

But sometimes…

Sometimes, I just feel like my life, my future, everything that I try to do is leading me nowhere. I feel like I’m constantly taking one step forward, and two steps back.

I have always been a dreamer. I’ve always set my sights on things that are far, far greater than what a “normal” person would aim for. When I wanted to be an Engineer in High School, I aimed to work for NASA. There was never any question that that’s where I would end up, if I had chosen that route for myself. When I was taking nursing classes, I aimed to work for St. Jude. When I wanted to teach, I wanted to teach at NYU (that may have partly been because of my infatuation with New York…).

I aim BIG. Isn’t that what we teach our children to do? To go for their goals and their dreams? That nothing is too big, and no idea too small?

But I feel that way, a lot of days. Especially lately…like my dreams are too big and too unrealistic.

I’ve got my hand in 100 different jars right now, and nothing seems to be moving forward. The photography, the graphic design, and some days, even my blog.

I receive dozens upon dozens of inquiries for photos and blog designs…and none of them go anywhere. I see new readers pop up in my RSS Feed, only to see the numbers drop back down and dwindle within a few days. I check out the advertising rates of other blogs that are about the size of  mine, and see that they have handfuls of Sponsors to introduce every month and giveaways to host for their readers…and when I call for sponsor’s, I get one or two inquiries.

It’s depressing sometimes. To feel like you aren’t making progress. To feel like the efforts you are exerting aren’t enough. I don’t know how much more I can do, in comparison to what I’m doing now. The blogging isn’t so much about the sponsors and the readers (although it would be nice to make a dime here and there for the efforts that I put in here). I would continue to blog even if no one read it.

But the others? The photography and the graphic design? These aren’t cheap hobbies. And I’m not sure how much longer my husband is going to cooperate and be understanding of me putting so much time into something that isn’t bringing us any income.

I just feel like most days I work my butt off, and end up with nothing to show for it. Part of the reason I redid my own blog (again) is to put my best foot forward. To show off my skills in Design in hopes that someone would see what I had to offer, and be interested in having me do work for them. But so far, nada. I’m hoping to build the Design Business up as a way to fund a photography business. Because expensive camera equipment isn’t easy to come by. And without some sort of revenue, it’s going to be tough to talk my husband into buying me $2000 camera’s and lenses.

I know that God has a plan, a time and a will for my life. I understand all of that, and I’m open to his timing. But seriously. Sometimes I just feel like I’ve spent my entire life waiting for things to fall into place, working my rear end off to make a difference and be successful, but never with any avail.

What about you? Do you ever feel like you are just stuck in neutral and not going anywhere?

I’m thankful, most days, that I at least know what I want to do…but without making any real progress toward getting there, I’m beginning to think that I should just do something else. Something that will guarantee me a job (if there is anything out there like that in this crappy economy).

But I never wanted to be someone to settle.

It’s just hard to feel motivated when you feel like your efforts aren’t paying off.