Laying on the line and throwing in the towel

I did not schedule a post for today.

I wanted to, but I didn’t.

Because I am angry. I mean extremely, unrealistically mad. That doesn’t happen to me very often. Honestly. If you don’t believe me, I’ll let you talk to my husband. I just don’t get mad. In all reality, I just don’t really care. I know to some that  may sound cynical or maybe just plain out rude and hateful, but I don’t intend it to be that way. I just spent way too much of my life allowing things to upset, bother, frustrate and anger me. So I don’t do it anymore. I accept things, acknowledge them for what they are and then move on. It’s taken a lot of practice and this attitude is not something that I am able to maintain all the time. But I try really, really, really hard.

So when I reach the point of not even wanting to post a blog because I’m too ticked off to do it, then you know that something has infuriated me. I swore I wasn’t going to even bother talking about it, because, again it doesn’t matter. But since this is my blog and I need a place to vent, then I’m going to write it down. Get it off of my chest once and for all, put it completely behind me, and let that be that.

I know I’ve kind of left you guys on the lurch lately about everything that has been going on: the “painful words and actions” I’ve talked about and the post I did about things that irk me and tick me off. I apologize. And I am extremely grateful that you have all been so encouraging and supportive despite not even knowing what was going on. In the last 2 weeks I have been told by someone who was offended by the post I wrote that was a generically written post directed at no one. I have basically been preached at and called someone’s “enemy” because of the same post. I’ve been criticized because I blogged about my feelings on my blog that I pay money to host…only to have the SAME person who criticized me turn around and do the same thing [Pot meet kettle]. I’ve been gossiped about, talked about and probably talked down upon…only to have been that ‘conflict shoudl be resolved in person.’ I’ve had my words turned around and screwed up completely. Been told I wasn’t honest. I’ve basically been told that my husband and I don’t follow through with things, don’t’ keep our word, called a liar and told that I only do things because I want the attention and the praise. And yesterday Hubby & I were unfriended on facebook {Yeah. Because we’re acting like children now unfriending people because we got our feelings hurt.}

The kicker to all of it? This was done by CHURCH people. You know. The ones who pride themselves in being kind and understanding and whatever whatever whatever. And you know what? This kind of crap is why I have never beat the doors down off of a church. This happened to our family at our first church here in Florida, happened to my parents when I was in High School at their church, happened to my husbands mother when she divorced Hubby’s step-father, happened to my husband at churchs he went to growing up…and has happened to dozens upon dozens of other people that I know that aren’t family.

Someone once told me that the people that will look down on you and talk about your the most, can be found in a church. I halfway agree with that. I say halfway because not everyone in churches is like that. I am not one for stereotypes and group wide accusations. So I don’t place everyone who goes to church in this category.

I took me a long time to get over what happened to us at the last church we were at. And I’m not going to get over this very easily either. To be honest, hubby and I have talked about whether or not we even want to go back to church. Anywhere. Ever. I’m sure somewhere down the line, we probably will. After the wounds heal themselves all over again. It’s disappointing. To find something that you think is going to work out, to find a place with people that you think you can fit in with, get along with, learn to rely on and trust and call friends…only to end up disappointed and let dow and eventually just pissed off.

That’s the point I was at yesterday. Infurriated. I was standing in the checkout line at Walmart yesterday when Hubby told me that he had been unfriended. I pulled out my phone and got on FB to check and sure enough so had I. I lost it. Seriously. Who does that? Especially when two days before they were leaving comments on  my blog asking me to call them or message them. I don’t have anything to say. It isn’t worth arguing over when I didn’t do anything to anyone except go out on a limb and try to be everyones friend. I opened up my house, my home, gave of my time and then I  was the one that got made out to be the bad guy. The one that got talked about around a table full of people who didn’t even know what was going on. Who had my words twisted around and changed to fit what everyone thought that I was saying. The one who actually had people walk by me and not speak to me after I had been over backwards to help them and do things for them.

I’m not about “appreciation and praise.” But don’t walk by me and act like you don’t know who I am.  Don’t call me or message me or whatever and act like you are the only one who has your feelings hurt, criticize me for blogging about what’s bothering me [in a post that isn’t even directed at you!], then blog about it yourself. Don’t run around like a 6th grader and go tell so and so that I was “talking about them” and then completely and totally mix my words up. And don’t, for the love of God, don’t preach to me. I hate when people preach to me. I know what the Bible says. I read my Bible. I know that I’m not perfect. I know that I’m a sinner. I know that I fail every single solitary day and that I do things that I shouldn’t do.

But I’m human. I accept when I’ve done wrong. I admit that my blog probably did hurt some feelings. I didn’t really intend for it to because that blog was inspired by a post I had read elsewhere about how it’s good for the creative side to let out negativity and things that bother you. {Oh yeah. Real stuff. I’ll see if I can find the link in my history so I can post it for you. Great, great read!} I can’t help it if someone felt guilty. Because I didn’t direct it at any one person but at ‘things’ and ‘people’ and ‘situations’ in general.

And now, I’m washing my hands of this. To be honest, it won’t surprise me to be unfriended by a few others when this post goes up tomorrow. And that’s fine. Because this is the end of it. D-O-N-E. As for us and church…we are about to move anyway, so it hasn’t been that big of a deal. I’m disappointed because I love our preacher and his family. He is an unbelievable man of God and I love his sermons. But the last week that we went, I didn’t even feel like I got what I needed to out of it because my mindset was not right. I was uncomfortable and could feel the tension in the air. And you know how you can just sense when you’ve been talked about? Oh yeah. That was everywhere.

Anywho. Thank you guys for listening. I’m sorry if this offended anyone. Ok. Not really. Because I’ve been offended. Hubby has been offended. And others who have had this kind of thing happen to them have been offeneded. And the only way for me to move on and let it all go is to write it down, put it out there and let it go. And I promise that I am done with ‘venting’ posts for a while. I’ve got some great ideas for the next couple of weeks!! Can’t wait to share 🙂