I once knew this girl…

I went upstairs and layed in the bed with the hubby for about 30 minutes or so before I realized that I wasn’t going to be able to go to sleep. The giveaway? When I noticed that I was laying on my back {which I only do when I can’t sleep} staring up at the blinking green light in the corner of my ceiling that happens to be the smoke detector. When I realized that I was actually counting the blinks, I decided it was time to get up. I grabbed a blanket off of the floor and headed back down the stairs. And here I sit. Staring a partially blank ‘page’ and wondering where on Earth the overflow of neural activity has come from tonight.

I did one of my famous “mind dumping” posts earlier so that I could clear my head, but that obviously didn’t do me any good. I feel a bit…confused. And overwhelmed. And tired. Especially tired. There has been so much going on lately that I haven’t even blogged about that has just really worn me out. Surprisingly enough, it as absolutely nothing to do with us moving. But more of a personal happening that has tested my faith, my patience and my trust. I’ve tried not to let it bother me, and truthfully, the situation itself really hasn’t. The actual ”happeningss” haven’t bothered me so much as the fact that it did happen. Does that make sense? It’s kind of a feeling of disappointment and a huge let down…for myself and for Hubby.

There have been a lot of painful words and painful actions that have taken place lately that I just haven’t quite been able to shake. {*For the record, none of this-in case you are wondering-has anything to do with our marriage or our families.*} In a sense I have started to lose my faith in people and I’ve felt myself slipping spiritually. I wrote a lot about all of this last week and received some wonderful [and much needed] feedback from all of you, for which I am very grateful. But tonight, as I layed in bed thinking I just found myself confused.

I find myself struggling to find that person that is me and I mean really me. For so long I feel like I have allowed bits and pieces of who I really and truly am slip away and I’ve partly become someone that I don’t recognize. I feel like I have tried to be who others want me to be. I’ve tried to please. I’ve tried to conform. I’ve tried to coexist amongst others by adapting to their idea of who I should be. And I’m finally starting to realize it. I’m finally starting to acknowledge it. And I’m finally starting to approach it and change it. But with it comes fear.

I think their is always fear. Fear about being real. Fear about opening it all up and laying it all out on the table. Fear of ourselves and who we are. Fear of what others will think. Fear of fear itself. But tonight, I think that’s what I need. To tackle the fear head on and reveal myself. To me and to all of you. I really do pride myself in always being honest about who I am here on my blog. I think in a way the fact that you all read it is kind of a null point. I mean, I know that you do, but it’s almost like I can convince myself that you don’t. That allows me to open up and for the words to flow freely. And it’s the comments and the encouragement that I receive from you guys that keeps me going, despite my worries of not being accepted.

I think I started to lose myself a little bit way back when I was in High School. I went to private school so I was always trying to “belong.” I remember in 9th grade a boy that I was crazy crushing on made a joke about me being a lot more flat chested than the other girls in our class. Two weeks later I splurged on a push up Victoria’s Secret bra. I remember being told during cheerleading tryouts in 10th grade that if I thought I was going to make the squad I was going to have to lose some weight because my butt was too big for the short skirts {go figure}. I remember in college always being the somewhat less attractive sidekick to my super model resembling roommate [Who, by the way still isn’t married. Hee-hee…gloat much?]

I can recall all of these times when I tried to change myself and be something else, but there is only one moment in my life that I remember myself being open and real and truly who I wanted to be without fear of being rejected and judged. And that was when I met my husband. During our sometimes 4 and 5 hour phone conversations, I was comfortable enough to just be me. And I miss me. I miss that girl. The one who wasn’t self concious about her body [though, I think that becomes a natural thing after you have a child], the one who had a free spirited and wild side that she wasn’t afraid to stifle because she thought the ‘church’ folks or the do-gooders would look down on her. The girl who was free spirited and spunky and had a zest for randomness and fun.

I feel like I’ve lost a lot of that. And while I acknowledge the fact that I am a mother and wife now and there are some things that have changed since my college days {things that I wouldn’t have any other way mind you}, there were so many of those things about me that were really okay. And I really liked myself.

For example, I absolutely love some good rock and country music. I can jam Bon Jovie with the best of them and then turn around and sing Eric Church or Brad Paisley at the top of my lungs. I love sporting my John Deere hoodie, my torn up & raggedy blue jeans and boots. I really do enjoy a good glass of wine or a spiked Pink Lemonade. Not to the extent of being a drunk or drinking every day or anything. But just enjoying being able to relax and have a drink or two with the hubby or our friends. I love to shake my booty on the dancefloor with my husband. I eat Ice Cream straight out of the carton [and did so tonight, by the way]. I want to, and probably will, get my nose pierced. I’m getting two tattoos this summer. One on my foot and one on my wrist. I love English and find myself correcting others at times, but make more than my share of gramatical oopsies. I refused to buy an iPod because I didn’t want to ‘jump on the bandwagon’ so I bought a Zune instead.

I love GOD more than anything else in this world and I’m unbelievably greatful and blessed that he is so forgiving and so merciful. My husband is the sexiest man I’ve ever known and I love him more than words could ever describe. I submit to him and acknowledge him as head of our household and would do anything to make him happy-because I know he would do the same for me. I think my son is the cutest little boy I have ever seen and I’m convinced that his learning is advanced. I love taking pictures and think that being able to capture lifes precious moments is the coolest and most amazing thing in the world-second to being a wife and mother. I love, love, love classic literature and think Jane Austen could have easily been my best friend. I think money & jealousy are at the root of all evil and slander. I make stupid mistakes and decisions. If I was a millionare I would shop and shop and shop just because I could, then give most of my stuff away to charity. I think that the Salvation Army is overpriced so I only give to Goodwill.

THAT’S ME.

I have just finally come to the point of mental overload with trying to keep up with the ‘times’ or the status quo. I’m going to start intentionally living, intentionally loving, and intentionally capturing the moments with the ones that I love the most. My faith in Christ is something that will never be shaken and I’m not afraid to be the person that God created me to be. Life is so short and so unpredictable. I don’t want to walk around day after day with the mindset that I have to ‘perform’ for others.

Even as I sit here, I can feel the fear within my inching up my neck. Wondering if the precious 190-something bloggers that follow me, whom I have grown to love and appreciate as much as family, will think different of me. Wondering if I will see my numbers drop because of some of the things I have said. And it’s my sincerest hope, that I won’t. But even if they do…even if some decide that they want to leave, still I will press on. I will continue to strive to become my best self. The true me. The realest version of who Courtney Kirkland is. Because I knew her once upon a time, and she was pretty cool. I really think that you all would like her.

So now, as I finish this post [at nearly MIDNIGHT here in Florida] my mind is emptied of all of the built up uncertainty, fear and confusion. I actually feel like something has been lifted off of my shoulders this evening.I’m going to schedule this post for in the morning, trudge back up the stairs with my blanket in tow, wrap my arms around the man that I love more than anything in the world [probably put my always insanely cold feet against his for the warmth…hee hee. He hates when I do that.], say a prayer thanking God for making me who I am and putting the people in my life {whether in person or via internet} that love me and accept me as I am, and fall asleep. And then tomorrow, I’ll wake up and intentionally go about my day. Smiling, happy, and totally in love with the life that I’ve been given.