I blinked…
I dreamed my entire life of having a family. Getting married to a “handsome prince” and having the most beautiful family in the world.
It was April 19, 2008 that my “prince” and I said the I-Do’s. And it was a mere three weeks later, on May 9, 2008 that I found out that my entire fairy tale would be coming true sooner than I expected. The 2 pink lines that were laid out before me that Saturday Night scared me to death. I was going to be a mom. A parent. A real life grown up. What the heck did I know about parenting? I wanted it. Had dreamed about it. Had even prayed about the day that I would have a child of my own. But I was terrified.
The months went by…July 8 I found out my little “peanut” was a little boy…my little boy. My son.
This was in August, about a month after we discovered we were having a baby. I was “modeling” a night shirt for the new baby.
You want to talk about in over your head? That’s how I felt. I was faced with the usual decisions: what to register for, where to register, what colors to do the nursery, the endless doctor visits, and what to name the baby. The name, we already had settled on…Joshua Sawyer Kirkland. Atleast, until we went maternity clothes shopping 2 weeks before my first baby shower. This sweet little lady was sitting on the bench in the middle of the mall with her little boy. His name was Noah. She went on the tell us how much his name meant and why she chose that name for him. Later that afternoon, “The Notebook” was on TV, the sermon on Sunday was about Noah’s Faith in God during the flood. We changed our minds, and Joshua Noah became our little boy…
36 Weeks. I was about to POP. Swollen ankles, crazy mood swings, & the beginnings of the sleepless nights to come. I could not wait to hold my little boy. I had felt the first kicks, the wiggles, the elbows…I was still scared to death. How bad would labor hurt? How was I going to take care of a baby? Could I do it? Would I be a good parent? How long would it take to screw my kid up? My due date was November 4…I felt like it was an eternity away.
October 26, 2008.
I hurt so bad I couldn’t stand it. Everything ached. I felt like the baby was going to rip through my stomach at any moment. 2:05 AM. Oh Baby! My water broke. 15 hours and 49 minutes later…
This little guy was born. Joshua Noah Kirkland. 6 Pounds, 8 oz, 20 inches long and a head full of dark brown hair. He was perfect. {Sorry the pic is so small…we took it with my cell phone after they wrapped Noah up in his blanket}
My Little Boy. My son. The light of my life and the entire joy of my existence. I had heard someone say before that you don’t truly know how much love your heart can hold until you become a mom. Never in my life have I known truer words or purer love.
And, now one year later, I sit here and watch as my little miracle grows and learns day in and day out. I watch him smile. I watch him laugh. I watch him discover the things around him and smile knowing that I have a part in something special. God is truly amazing. How someone can look at something so beautiful and question his existence is beyond my grasp.
My little boy turns one in a week. It feels like yesterday that I was rubbing my tummy telling the little person growing inside me how much I loved him already. How much he meant to me and his daddy. Making him promises of the future…that we wouldn’t ever let anything happen to him and that he was more loved than any other little boy in the world.
My fears these days aren’t of labor pains and bad hospital experiences. They are of the things he will endure and experience. They are fears that I won’t be able to protect him from the cruelty of this world. Fear that he will asks the questions that I can’t answer. Fear that he will get off track and not grow up to be the man I pray he will. Fear that I will let him down.
But, the promises remain the same. I promise to love you more and more each day. Mommy will always be here for you. Always there to rock you to sleep. Always there to hold your hand when you walk and catch you when you stumble. I promise to let you learn, to let you discover, to not smother you with my protectivness. To let you grow and become YOU. I promise not to impend my life onto you. I promise that no other little boy in this great big world is as loved and cared for as you are.
The year has gone by so fast. One minute they are handing me this sweet little tiny baby boy, and then I made the mistake…I blinked. And now he’s one. I’m scared to do it again. I’m afraid that next time I do, I’ll be saying goodbye as he drives off to college or walks down the aisle. Can I freeze this moment? These moments….the ones that mean the most and pass the quickest? No. Rather, I snap the pictures, snuggle when I can as much as I can, give lots of kisses, hug always, and tell him more times I can count that he is special and loved by so many people.
Happy Birthday Baby Boy…you’re still mommy’s little prince, daddy’s little boy, and our little Chunky Monkey. You are so loved. I pray God blesses you more and more each and every day. I can’t wait to watch you grow and smile and laugh and play each and every day that’s ahead. We love you so much, son.
