Be Still
It’s another one of those mornings where I really didn’t have any intention of writing.
In fact, I’m still shocked that I’m even able to hold my head up this morning. Yesterday’s early morning (6:00 am) and all day stent at the hospital left me exhausted. I came home last night and collapsed in the chair; willing myself to get up and accomplish something. But instead, I sat there and made a list of all of the things that I needed to do today while I watched this weeks “Gossip Girl” and “Revenge” on my DVR.
I was at the hospital with my husband in case any of you missed that. He had minor shoulder surgery yesterday morning. Baby Boy is still cooking and I’m doing fine! Didn’t want to freak anyone out thinking they’d missed something…
I had my clock set for 7:30 this morning. My intention to sleep as late I could possibly sleep before getting up to go back to the hospital to wait on Josh’s discharge.
But at 6:00 am (again!) this morning, my eyes flew open and that was that. I couldn’t go back to sleep, despite Noah’s insistence that I snuggle up with him and my mind telling me to just rest. I tossed and turned in the bed (which for anyone who has ever been pregnant, “tossing and turning” for someone almost 34 weeks pregnant is more like rooting and scooting…) for 20 minutes before I decided to just throw in the towel.
I’m not an idle person.
Stillness is not a trait that I’m familiar with.
I came down to start coffee, grabbed that to do list that I made last night and started looking around for something that I could get done right now, before I have to shower and get ready.
I have a problem with sitting still and just…being.
I don’t know where the trait comes from. And most days, I’m surprised by it. I mean, I enjoy lazy Sunday’s like everyone else. I love to sit in my PJ’s and just veg out to watch movies. I love sleeping. No really. I love to sleep.
But stopping…slowing down…taking it easy…relaxing…leaving things for later?
That’s just not me.
I see this list piled with things that I want/need to do before my mom arrives today (YES! She’s in the air now and should be here this evening, weather permitting!) and before baby boy arrives in a few weeks.
I have projects to finalize for work.
A house that needs cleaning.
Laundry that needs folding.
Baby clothes to wash.
Garbage to take out.
Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera…
I know in my mind that I should just sit down and take advantage of being idle. I know that in a few weeks (seriously, weeks?!) that I’ll be begging for a day or an hour or twenty minutes to just do nothing.
Or will I?
Funny, I used to be the sort of person who always had to do stuff before sitting still, but that seems to have left me. 🙂 I still have my moments – sometimes I have to putter and do those things in order to be able to relax.
I can totally relate. I fantasize about having nothing to do and then whenever I get a few hours to myself, I immediately fill it up with something. Brene Brown writes a bit about this in her book “The Gifts of Imperfection.” She refers it to as “addiction” of sorts that we use to numb ourselves. I can definitely some of those tendencies in myself. I have been making an intentional effort to be still for short periods of time and just enjoy my own company. It’s hard though. Really hard.
I am definitely a sit still person,almost to a fault. Sometimes my house gets really messy. I’ve come to the realization that the chores that come with small children never, never end. Gossip Girl does end…that alone makes it an attractive option!
I think I am way better at doing nothing than doing something. But while I do nothing, I feel guilty about the somethings that aren’t getting done.
Give yourself a break, but know that with all that nesting you’ll have more energy now than after Jonah is born. So, mentally prepare yourself to rest with your boys after baby comes! 🙂 xo
See, I always think I want stillness. But then when I get it I go crazy!
Um, my husband calls me a ‘potterer’. I’m always doing something, pottering. Well, mostly things like laundry, cleaning, cooking, baking, children-looking-aftering 🙂 But I find myself mentally doing checklists, rearranging pantry shelves (unnecessarily) and so on.
So yes, potterer. 🙂