So maybe I’m not always ‘ok’

I’m so tired.

I feel like I am going to crumble under the pressure of staying composed and ‘okay.’ I feel like I don’t really have anyone to talk to about how hard all of this is. I admit it, I suck at the separation thing. I give HUGE props to all of you military wives who have to do this for very long periods of time. I don’t know how you do it. And I feel like an idiot when I whine and complain about the time period we are dealing with.

But right now, my guilt is subsiding because I’ve faced the realization that Hubby will remain in California until the end of December. Which will put our separation time at about 8 months, instead of 4. He’s decided to stick with what he wants and go through A-School again when they start back in July [or August. Can’t remember what the exact time frame is.] And there is still no word on whether or not the Coast Guard is going to PCS move Little Man and I to California to stay with him; though it is an option. One that I am hoping and praying we see come to pass. Forget all of the money and the savings and whatnot. I want to be with my husband again. And Little Man misses his daddy.

If they don’t opt to move us out there with him, then Hubby will get to come home in June on leave. And while that’s GREAT and I’m uber-excited about it, the fact that I’ll have to say goodbye all over again looms in the back of my mind. These past 4 weeks or so haven’t gotten any easier. And I’m kidding everyone when I act like I’m just peachy. Because I’m not. In truth, this is hard and to be quite frank, it really freakin’ sucks.

I try so hard to be ‘okay.’ For myself, for my son, for Hubby. He doesn’t do good if I’m not doing good. And I feel like everyone is just expecting me to cope like nothing in the world is different. Like it’s all normal and easy and not a big deal that my husband is 2600 miles away and I can’t touch him or hug him or kiss him or hold his hand. It literally almost KILLED me last week when he was dealing with all of his school issues and I couldn’t be there to help him deal with it. Or to be there for him to just sit and talk to. Or to even give him a hug and tell him that it was going to be ok.

And it breaks my heart a little bit more every single day when Little Man looks at our family picture on the night stand and asks where his daddy is. I don’t worry about him forgetting him or anything like that, and he gets to talk to him on webcam, but he is his daddy’s boy through and through. And as I sit and write this, I think about how unfair it is and how much is sucks for all of the other military wives out there dealing with this tonight. The ones who have been alone and have been raising their children without their husbands around for years. The ones who’ve dealt with deployment after deployment. The ones whose husbands have missed their children being born or Christmas’ or whatever. And it’s a really crappy thing.

But as bad as it all sucks, I am so proud of what my husband does. I am so, so unbelievably proud to say that I’m a Military Wife. Because this isn’t a role just anyone could take on. I know people who couldn’t and wouldn’t know how to deal with the separation. I’m not dealing real well tonight, but when I wake up in the morning, I’ll be ok. I’ll climb out of bed and go about my routine and put the thoughts and feelings of loneliness in the back of my mind. Because life goes on anyway, whether I lay here and wallow in my own miserable self pity or get up and deal.

I owe it to my husband, to my son, and to myself to get up and move on with it. After all, each wake up is one closer to the day that our family is back together.