Bows, Boxes, Wrapping Paper. Hundreds upon hundreds of people literally pushing, bumping, and shoving one another out of the way in order to find that perfect gift for that certain someone on their list. Little man and I tackled ALL of ours Tuesday. We shopped and shopped and shopped for Hubby’s presents and I am quite pleased with what all I found him. As I said before, we aren’t really buying one another anything big because we are getting a few things when we get our Income Tax…which is ok with me. It’s the little things that I have the most fun buying anyway. Those tiny things that people ask for throughout the year, but then forget that they wanted. Those things make for the greatest surprises on Christmas morning. My only problem is that once I buy presents, I get so excited about having the person open them that I want to exchange gifts right then.
I do a lot of people watching and tend to pay a lot of attention to people around me. I’m that person that sees pretty much every stupid or embarrassing thing that someone does. You know what I mean. I’m that person that sees the things that you would SWEAR no one else saw. My shopping experience on Tuesday gave me the opportunity to see lots of things that I wasn’t supposed to see. And today, I am going to share them with you so that you can laugh the same way that I did. {I apologize in advance if you have ever done any of these things…believe me, I have done them too…oh yea, these are in the form of letters as well.}
Dear Swimsuit Man,
I am guessing you are a Snow Bird. You’ve flown yourself to our neck of the woods to escape the snow and freezing temperatures. You’ve traded in your ski’s and winter coat for flip-flops and shorts. That’s great. I’m happy for you. But really? A Speedo? In the Mall? In December? I know it’s 85 degrees outside right now and that the sun is blistering warm, but seriously. You aren’t actually on the beach right now. Please cover yourself up. Throw on some shorts or something.
Signed,
The Fashion Police
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Dear Cart Pusher,
You have somewhere to be. So do I. I am pushing a buggy FULL of groceries and Christmas Gifts. Could you please stop running over the back of my heels with your shopping cart? If you need to get by, here is an idea: GO AROUND ME! Don’t keep bumping into me and then offering a exasperated, “Sorry.” Really. The aisle is wide enough for two carts.
Yours,
Get off of my Butt
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Dear Toddler Mom,
I am not one to critique weight or your style of parenting. But do you honestly think that your 30 pound baby who can hardly hold her head up and can’t be more than 9 months old NEEDS a chocolate ice cream cone? Just curious. Childhood obesity starts in the early months obviously. Just trying to help. They make really great baby fruits and veggies these days. I will be happy to purchase them for you.
Conerned,
Another Mom
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Dear Psychotic Shirt Buyer,
Theren are dozens upon dozens upon dozens of shirts on this shelf. In lots of colors and lots of sizes. Do you really insist on freaking out and shoving me out of the way when all I am doing is looking at the shirts? Not even touching them? Believe me, if you in all honesty have intentions of buying EVERY shirt in here, then I will go somewhere else. They don’t mean that much to me. Try toning down the coffee before you start shopping. And maybe getting some sleep.
Sincerely,
I was only looking
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Dear Impatient Shopper who should be in the 20 Items or less line,
There are 6 things in your buggy. SIX. My cart is overflowing at this point. So is the persons in front of me. And the person behind you. Are you seeing a pattern. They have shorter lines for people like you who don’t have a ton of stuff to buy. So if you aren’t going to stand in that line, please do not stand behind me and tap your foot and huff and puff while I put my items on the line to be checked out. Similarly, DO NOT stand right behind me and look over my shoulder at how much money I am spending. Do you pay my bills? And when I go to swipe my debit card to check out so I can move out of your way, don’t stand directly behind me. Do you want me to get behind you at an ATM? Didn’t think so. Merry Christmas.
Frustrated,
Get in a shorter line
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Dear Food Court Eater,
It’s ok. You don’t have to pretend that both Chick-Fil-A Chicken Sandwiches, the two large fries, and the over flowing plate of Chinese food at your table are for other people. I have been sitting here for 30 minutes. I saw you get your food. I saw you sit down. I saw you spread the items out in front of other seats as if you were “waiting” on someone. I also have been sitting here long enough to see that you are eating one meal at a time and then rotating them. Making the normal pacerby think that someone WAS sitting there and walked off leaving their dirty tray at your table. It’s ok. You are hungry. Just be glad that right now you have a great metabolism because you, Sir, are inhaling thousands of calories. And I see you eyeing the Ice Cream. Go ahead and get some. Not like it will matter now.
Laughing,
I’m watching you
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So there you go. Just a few of the funny, yet frustrating things I saw shopping. What kind of hilarity and madness have you witnessed this season? Would love to hear some of your stories.
Courtney Kirkland is a Southeast Alabama Writer & Designer. Since 2011,, Courtney has passionately provided beautiful, intentional design to small businesses & bloggers and encouraged thousands to walk in a rich faith in any situation.
