What If…

I’ve heard this question asked alot. Especially to moms. “If you could go back and do things differently [whether in reference to children or to life in general], would you?” For starters, I think that’s an unfair question. 99.9% of the people that you asked that to would either say a flat out “No” they wouldn’t change anything or that “what I’ve been through made me who I was.” I understand both answers, but I think they are only really half-truths. I will be the first one to tell you there are things that I would change. So, my question is this:

If you had the opportunity to go back and change what you wanted, being gauranteed that your husband/wife and children would be the SAME no matter what you changed, would you?

Me: Yes. If I had the 100% gaurantee that I would still end up with Josh and that my child would still be Noah [even if the timing he was born was different] I would go back and change some things.

High School: I would definintely be more outspoken in high school. And I wouldn’t have cared what everyone else thought or said, as I did back then. I would have put more into school work. Even though I graduated in the Top 10 of my class, I know I could have been Valedictorian if I would have put more effort into it. I would have NEVER dated my ex. I would have gotten involved in a youth group in my last few years of high school.

College: I would have still gone to Troy and still pledged my same Sorority. I would have put up and SAVED the extra scholarship and grant money that I ended up blowing on useless stuff. I would have hung out with a different group of people. The right kind of people. People who were in college for the RIGHT reasons, and not just to enjoy all of the frat parties and alcohol. I would have immediately began my major in English Education with a Minor in Psychology. I would have competed in the Miss Troy Pageant [a pre-lim for Miss Alabama]. I would have eventually transfered to the University of Alabama, maybe for grad-school. But I would have FINISHED my Bachelors and gone to Grad School for sure. I would have never “dated” any of the guys that I dated.

Everything else: I would have looked around more for a car that I wanted, instead of jumping on the first one that I liked. LOL I would have NEVER, ever used my Credit Cards for some of the crap that I used them for. I would have still met Josh…not sure where if things had of gone this way, but I know we would have. I would have had a longer engagement, just for the sheer fact of planning our wedding a little bit better. Getting things more organized and having some things that I wanted but we didn’t have the time or money to plan for. [Plus, it wasn’t fair to my parents to have to put out so much money so fast]. I would have liked to have saved to go somewhere farther away for our honeymoon. Maybe a cruise. And, if I was promised and gauranteed that when I got ready to have a baby, that that baby would still be Joshua Noah Kirkland-6 pounds, 8 oz. 20 inches long with the same personality and all that he has now….I would have waited to have a baby.

I love being a mom. I love having a son. I love the joy that he brings to our lives. And if I couldn’t have him, I wouldn’t want to change anything. But, if I could, then I would have like to have waited. Given Josha nd I some time to enjoy being newleyweds before jumping straight into parenthood. Given us some time to save some money and get more financially stable before adding a baby to the picture. Finish school. Have something going for myself…

Sometimes I really do feel like my entire life now solely revolves around and exists in the fact that I have a child. It seems most days like I have lost myself to the diapers and toys and naptimes. Given the chance to change it, I wish I would have had something to show for myself. All of my ‘friends’ from college are graduating and have jobs and are just now getting ready to start their families. While I have my family already, I do wish that the “me” part of life wasn’t so empty.

Anywho…just curious as to what some of you would do different… 🙂